In The Lima Heights
by rentAgleek
Summary: rachel visits jesse's old apartment in lima heights and finds something shocking. contains drugs and sex. a  hopefully better  return for jesse than what we saw on the show
1. Chapter 1

_**Basically, I wasn't happy with the way they handled Jesse's return to glee. So this is something more real and more enjoyable, in my opinion. It starts after regionals. Lots of St Berry (as you can see from the rating!)**_

_**So, it's the day of regionals, they've won, and Rachel is walking home, planning setlists and reading her Funny Girl libretto…**_

So of course I'm happy that we won regionals, but now all my energy has to be focused on nationals. Im already writing possible setlists, featuring myself heavily on lead vocals of course. I know it might be big headed of me to say this, but I'm the most talented person in this school, and we can't rely on another barbie-and-ken fiasco a-la sectionals. But I don't like to think about that day. The day Finn broke up with me. The day he broke my heart. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes, nationals. Well I know we will be facing vocal adrenaline. Oh god. They crushed us at regionals last year. It was sheer luck that they weren't pitted against us today. But that was last year.

Last year, with all the pain. the duets. the decisions. the eggs that cascaded towards me like bullets and cracked, as their contents slowly trickled down into my training bra, my jeans. The look on his face when I knew I had been kidding myself. That I'd been blind to what everyone else saw. That final egg, which he smacked right down on top of my head, finally made the tears come. The egg ran right through my veins, chilling my bones, breaking my heart. That was the only thing that has ever truly knocked me. Not the daily slushy facials. Not Santana's bitchy comments about anything and everything about me. Not even when Mr Schue took my solo away. It was the look on his face when he did it, the look that still haunts me to this day. Why? Because I don't know if he loved me. I love him. I do. I love you, Jesse St. James. But he's gone. He had a full ride to a little place called the university of california, los angeles. 'maybe you've heard of it', he'd smiled, as he talked in his confident, sexy, adult tones. 'it's in los angeles.' something jolted inside my heart when he said that, and when we sang together…it felt right. Magnetic, almost. We were drawn to each other, by the universe…

Ouch! What was that? I'd nearly fallen over a number plate. Stupid thing. I was about to walk past it, when something made me stop. It was the number plate - it made the warm march afternoon freeze over like it was mid december. VOC-AD-01. Jesse's car. I knew it was his; he'd driven me around in it often enough. Why was it lying on the street? I looked around me, and realised where I was. Obviously lost in my own thought and the libretto of Funny Girl, a seminal Broadway classic, I'd wandered off into Lima Heights. Some of the kids from school lived here - Santana, namely, but I also knew this was where Jesse had rented a cheap apartment during his senior year at Carmel. I glanced up at his building. The window of his apartment was closed but that didn't surprise me, I mean, if you left your windows open in Lima Heights then you were asking for thieves. I slowly walked up to the door, wondering if I could remember the keypad combination. My fingers seemed to remember like it was only yesterday that I'd been here for dinner or a makeout session. I typed the five digits - 24601 - and pushed the door open. My heart was beating fast, hard. It wasn't because I was in pretty much the dodgiest neighbourhood in Ohio; I'd been here plenty of times - not recently, I think the last time was in the fall when I went to that crackhouse - and I regularly used places like this as character research for Maureen in RENT or Maria in West Side Story, for when I WILL play those parts.

As I walked up the stairs, a memory that I'd buried deep in my subconscious suddenly came flooding back. It was after we'd been at the roller rink, and Jesse and I were walking up these stairs, and then the power went out. We got to his door and Jesse said 'the power blows!', sounding exactly like Anthony Rapp, and then I burst into 'got a light?' and before long we were dancing all round the apartment, lighting my candle. I laughed softly. I reached Jesse's door, and was surprised to see the once bright red door had been painted black. I smiled as I got the déjà vu. As I got closer I saw the paint job was haphazard, clumsily unfinished. And for some reason there was a carving which unmistakably said 'St. Berry'. St. Berry? The nickname that Jacob Ben Israel gave us whilst we were dating? Jesse and I, that is, not Jacob. Just because we share the Jewish religion does not mean we are going to get down and dirty anytime soon.

I put my hand on the door and then stopped. 'alright, you've come up here for old times' sake, now leave. Someone else lives here now, Jesse's in LA, and you need to get back to blogging about Barbra Streisand, not mooning around over someone who broke you'. I firmly removed my hand from the doorknob - but as I did, the door slowly swung open a little. This made me stop dead. You don't leave your door open in Lima Heights, any fool knew that. Id lost count of the times Santana had come into glee club, furious because someone had broken in. Nobody lived here anymore. I shivered with anticipation as I entered the apartment. It wasn't trespassing if it was empty, right? Inside, it was…weird. There were all of his broadway posters on the wall - Rent, Mamma Mia, Hair, the Funny Girl one I'd bought for him, and the Spring Awakening one. I was struck as to how much he resembled Jonathan Groff, as I was every time I saw this poster. But…why would Jesse leave these behind?

I opened the cupboards - there were some pop tarts and beans, and on the side there was an empty krispy kreme donuts packet, and a pizza box. Someone else had clearly been here after Jesse - he stuck to a special diet and I knew he never ate empty calories. This theory was proved correct when, hesitating, I opened the fridge and there was nothing but a few six packs of beer. The only alcohol Jesse drank was neat vodka, because he said it had fewer calories. The rest of the open plan room was empty, so I walked into the bathroom. It smelled bad, like stale vomit, and I saw traces of what was unmistakably crack speckled on the edge of the lime green sink. I walked quickly out of the room, closing the door behind me. I was all for character research but I wasn't about to fill my body with potentially deadly chemicals.

The other door led to the bedroom. I opened it slowly. The first thing that hit me was the smell - tobacco, beer, and perspiration. Then I stopped dead. There was someone lying on the floor. Was it…no. I couldnt see the face, but the boots were too filthy, the leather jacket battered. But the hair…those unmistakable lustrous curls, which I had stroked so many times. I took a step forward, and the floor gave an almighty creak beneath my loafer. Oh no. The person began to move, slowly turning over, and I knew I should leave but couldn't, a strange combination of fear and excitment kept me rooted to the spot. A familiar face, clouded with stubble and spots, gazed at me. Everything else was different, but those eyes, those piercing, beautiful eyes, confirmed it. I gasped, as, tears filling his eyes, Jesse whispered, 'Rachel?'

**_So PLEASE review and i'll write some more :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_So this one is a bit shorter, but I've written the next part, and I promise to upload much quicker._**

The whisper was desperate, like that one word was the only thing holding his world together any more. I had a lump the size of texas in my throat, and all I could do was stand there, tears pouring down my face and choke 'yes. yes. yes' as I shook uncontrollably. He sat up, slowly, placing a hand on the floor to steady himself. I could see his fingernails were filthy, and his hair was greasy. Yet he was still beautiful. He reached out his hands towards me, like he was trying to see if I was really there, and not an illusion. I reached my hands to his, and he gripped them, as I gripped his, and there we sat, hands locked together. I could see from Jesse's eyes that he never wanted to let go. And neither did I. I was holding the man I loved, at last.

We simply sat, staring into each others eyes, for what seemed like an age, before Jesse said, voice shaking, 'Rachel…I cant begin to say how sorry I am…I was so stupid…' I nodded and whispered 'It's ok' but he shook his head violently 'No. No it's not. I want to…to sing. To sing about everything I've been feeling…baby, I'm so, so sorry…' I nodded, as he opened his mouth and sang to me, once again.

_'Your eyes…as we said our goodbyes…cant get them out of my mind. And I find, I cant hide from your eyes; the ones that took me by surprise. The night you came into my life, where theres moonlight…I see your eyes. How'd I let you slip away? When I'm longing, so, to hold you? Now, I die, for one more day - cos theres something I should have told you…yes, theres something I should have told you, when I looked into your eyes! Why does distance make us wise? You were the song all along, and before the song dies…I should tell you, I should tell you…I have always loved you. You can see it, in my eyes.'_

His face crumpled and he buried his head into my shoulder. I was crying, but a whole new type of pain mixed with longing was making my heart go crazy. I knew what this was. This was love. I'd never felt this before, ever. 'I love you too, I love you, I love you, I love you, I - ' I stopped speaking as his lips found mine. It didnt matter that I ate garlic last night, or that he had clearly been drinking - it just didnt seem to matter. Like our love for each other overrode it. And the kiss…a whole new kind of kissing. I just wanted to have his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth forever.

Jesse finally stopped. I opened my eyes, confused. Did I do something wrong, I wondered. Jesse shook his head, reading my eyes. 'Dont worry, its not you. I just…I just think we need to talk, Rachel. Theres stuff you need to know. And theres stuff I need to know…but mainly you have to know some things.' There was a pause, and I was about to say something, when he just sighed, and the small half smile I remembered played about his lips, and he leaned forwards and kissed me again. 'God I love you so much', he murmured, as he broke off to hold me, and began to cry again. Fresh tears cascaded down my own cheeks; I was just so overwhelmed with happiness. I loved him. And he loved me. And nothing could stop that. Nothing.

_**Reviews are the berries to my saints. And I want praise and criticism, both help and motivate me. thanks :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

'So, um, what do you want to talk about?' I asked, hating to break the beautiful silence. Jesse slowly pulled back to look at me. 'That day…when we egged you…when I egged you. It was so wrong. I cant believe I did it. I thought I was just being loyal to the team…but it didnt even matter. They never trusted me again, and they made fun of me - when I said I used to love you? I still did, I swear, Rachel, but I couldnt say that infront of them.'

I nodded, my heart beating faster than ever before. 'God that sounds so stupid…so cowardly' he said. 'I get it…I understand why you did what you did. I just really, really dont like the way you did it' I explained. Jesse nodded. 'Thats more than I deserve…you see, remember when you made that Run Joey Run video for glee club?' I nodded - 'one of my biggest screw ups', I murmured. 'No - well, yeah - but your heart was always in the right place. My heart? I dont think I ever knew where it was. Not truly. I thought it was with Vocal Adrenaline, but then I think I left some of it in New Directions, and you, too. I dont know, exactly. But everyone in Vocal Adrenaline saw that video, and they made fun of me. They said I couldnt even hold down a fake relationship, and that really hurt me, Rachel, because you and me…it was never fake. In the beginning, yes, a little. But after we sang together…after we kissed…I wasnt faking it. And I didnt realise that until everyone else said I was.'

He paused, and then a slow smile formed on his lips. 'You know, when you and Finn were singing 'One' in your auditorium?' I nodded, remembering that awful week. 'I snuck into the back. Just to watch you. And then I knew - I knew I loved you. And I still do.'

I gasped. 'I love you too', I told him, my voice shaking. He pressed his lips to mine again. Then I remembered everything from the kitchen…and the bathroom. I pulled away slightly. 'What is it? Did I mess it up again? Oh god, why am I so stupid?' he banged his fist on the floor in anger. 'No, no, you haven't ruined it', I told him. 'I need to ask you something, Jesse. It's very serious', I said. He nodded. 'Well, um, I was in the bathroom just now, and I found…crack. All over the sink', I whispered. His eyes widened. 'You didn't take it away, did you?' I looked at him in shock. 'Rach, don't mess with me. Is my crack still there?' I nodded. He breathed a sigh of relief. 'Jesse…I don't understand. Why is there…an illegal drug in your apartment? And why is it…yours?' I asked him, frightened. He couldn't be…he just couldn't.

'Fine, I'll explain', said Jesse. 'Yes, please explain, Jesse. Explain how this is all some hideous mixup, please', I begged. He shook his head sadly. 'So, we won regionals, last year. Right after we'd all had our picture taken for the paper, I wanted to find you. But the New Directions dressing room was empty. So I went back to my teammates, and they said we were all going out to celebrate our victory. I felt so crap I decided to join them. Big mistake', he murmured darkly. 'We started off all together, went to a bar, and had a few drinks. It was even fun, at first. After a few hours, I was still fairly sober, even though most of the others were pretty much past it. We put the girls into taxis, then me and the guys went to a different bar. I was still totally fine, until I got a call from Lea, my dance partner from the competition. She was totally drunk, and she basically asked me to come to her house and fuck her dry. I gently told her no, and then she got all pissed, and told me I was a dick, and I didn't even deserve to date a spoilt, ugly little virgin like Rachel Berry. Sorry', he added. I shrugged. 'So then I went back inside, and I felt like crap. She was right. I was a terrible person. I didn't deserve to date an amazing, beautiful woman like you', he smiled. 'And someone handed me a drink, and I just knocked it back in one. And I ordered another. And another. It made me feel so much better. All the pain just went numb. I can only remember flashes of what happened next…but I made out with my friend John. That was...interesting...then we all went to a strip club and – well you can guess', he shuddered. 'Then we came back here, and someone suggested we do lines, and before I knew it I was faced with this packet of white stuff. All the anti-drugs lectures and my big career plans just flew out of my mind because I was willing to do anything to make myself forget what I did to you…and then I felt amazing. The best I'd felt in a long time. It was the first time I hadn't thought about you, in months. And I felt invincible, like nothing could hurt me, you know?' He was shaking a little at the memory. Then there was silence for a long time.

'Ok' I said slowly. 'But why is it still there? I mean, you guys had that party over a year ago', I asked. Jesse's face crumpled. 'I still use it, Rach', he sobbed. 'I still need it, I need that feeling. I need to feel like nothing can hurt me again. It's the only time I can ever feel good', he confessed. 'I'm pathetic. I've tried to quit, but no-one's here to help me. John didn't speak to me again after that night – he was worried it compromised his masculinity', he shook his head in disgust. 'And after graduation, everyone went off to college. Fresh start and all that. So I thought maybe I'd find someone at UCLA who could help me quit, and help me feel good without the drugs', he explained. I nodded. 'Well, that sounds sensible. Did you?' I asked. He laughed without humour. 'No. I showed up to class on my second day, high as a kite. They kicked me out, just like that', he said. And so I came back here, tried to get a job, but I couldn't stop using. They fired me every time', he told me sadly. 'So now I spend my days here. My dealer comes by every day. He's the only person I ever speak to...but he doesn't care. Why would he? I'm just another tramp who needs his fix. Then I go into the bathroom, I get high…and it's great. But I get bored so I just keep using more and more. I need more every time, to get the same feeling...I'm always needing more. I'll wake up and not remember anything, nothing at all. I blacked out for, like, four days once. And when I realized what had happened, you know the first thing I did? Called my dealer' he chuckled darkly. 'The pain comes back, it always comes back, and I have to have more', he cried again. 'It's not something I want, anymore, it's something I need. It makes me sick, and I hate that I do it. But I can't stop myself. I need it. God, I don't even know who I am anymore, Rachel', he sobbed.

I held him. 'Jesse, I love you. I never stopped loving you. And I hate that you've been using. I really, truly do. But it doesn't stop me from loving you. I'm willing to do anything to help you quit. I won't give up on you', I promised him.


	4. Chapter 4

_**I'm so happy with all the reviews! Keep them coming, feel free to suggest anything. Enjoy :)**_

THE NEXT DAY

I was lying in his bed, my head on his chest. He smelled so good…his hand gently stroked my hair. 'Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair', he sang under his breath. He kissed my neck, along to my collarbone…then his lips wandered down towards my breasts…

'Rachel…RACHEL!' I jumped, remembering where I was. 'Sorry Mr Schuster. I agree, Mercedes should totally sing at nationals', I suppressed a yawn. Everyone was staring at me. 'Rachel, a half hour has passed since then', Kurt told me. 'And since when did you pass up the chance to sing a solo?', questioned Tina. 'Sorry. I've just been…I've got a lot on my mind', I mumbled. 'Rachel, we all have problems. I don't see anyone else falling asleep', said Sam, making me feel kinda bad. Mr Schue looked at me sympathetically. 'Look, Rachel, why don't you go home early? We're nearly finished anyway, and unless you can explain the concept of air travel to Brittany, we don't desperately need you'. He smiled. 'I just don't understand. Why won't the plane fall? It's biology', stated the blonde. Kurt rolled his eyes. 'No, Brit, you mean physics', he corrected her wearily. I took my cue to leave. 'See you Monday', I said, waving goodbye. I walked out of the room, hearing Brittany say 'I think it would be much safer to fly on a giant eagle. Lord Tubbington agrees'.

I walked into the parking lot, got into my car and hit the steering wheel in annoyance. I fell asleep! So unprofessional. It wasn't as if I didn't have a good reason; I hadn't returned from Jesse's until well after midnight last night – well, this morning – and we'd ran out of coffee at home. I knew I probably should just go home and sleep, but I'd made a promise to Jesse. I turned the key in the ignition, and played My Man as loud as my stereo would go. As I drove steadily towards Lima Heights, I sang along.

'When he takes me in his arms, the world is bright, alright! What's the difference if I say, I'll go away, when I know I'll come back on my knees someday…for whatever my man is, I am his, forever more!'

I held the last note on as long as I could, not caring that people were staring and yelling at me to shut it. Secretly I loved the attention. I'd discovered a whole new meaning to this song after last night – whatever Jesse was, whatever he did, I would always, always love him. As I pulled up infront of his building, I glanced up at his window. He was there, smiling and waving. My heart skipped a beat, and I locked the car and ran up the stairs. He had the door open the second I knocked, and enveloped me in a tight hug. 'It's so good to see you', he whispered, crushing his lips to mine urgently. I stepped inside and closed the door, never breaking the kiss. 'I heard you singing Barbra', he grinned at me. 'I was singing about you', I mumbled sheepishly. 'Really? That's awesome! You sounded, like…so awesome!' he said. I frowned. 'Um…thanks?' I said. We stood there awkwardly for a moment. 'SONDHEIM!' yelled Jesse. 'Baby, we need some Sondheim. To express all my melancholia and shit', he said, as he jumped to his CD player. 'Jesse…are you ok?' I asked. 'Yeah, yeah I'm totally fine. Why wouldn't I be? I'm just so happy to see you Rach', he smiled, kissing me again. I kissed him back, my insides melting.

He ran his hand down my neck, onto my chest. Part of me knew this had gone too far, but it felt so good…but then his hand went further down, and he wasn't being gentle anymore. 'Yeah…oh yeah, come on baby, you're so hot', he whispered. I pulled away. This wasn't Jesse. 'No', I told him firmly. I stepped away. 'Jesse, what's wrong with you? You're acting really weird…like, not yourself. Do you not want me here or something?' I asked. His eyes widened. 'No, no, no! I'm sorry, I'm just excited. I love you', he kissed me lightly on the cheek. 'So, you wanna watch a DVD?' he asked. I pushed his odd behavior to the back of my mind in favor of a movie musical.

Soon, we were eating popcorn on Jesse's sofa, watching the Mamma Mia movie. Jesse was so cute, doing these little dance moves in all the songs. We sang along at the top of our lungs the whole way through, not caring when the neighbours banged on the walls. 'SHUT UP! I NEEDZ MY SLEEP TO LOOK HOT', yelled a voice. 'IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'M GONNA GO ALL LIMA HEIGHTS!' it screamed again. I laughed. 'Oh my god, I forgot Santana lives here!' I giggled. 'I love the way you laugh', said Jesse, kissing me. I looked at him. He looked more like…Jesse, again. His eyes were shining again, he was smiling properly, not that crazy manic smile. And he was kissing me tenderly, not in that dirty way. I glanced at my watch. 'Oh my god, it's nearly midnight!' I exclaimed. Jesse's face fell. 'Oh. I guess you have to go', he sighed. I felt bad for a moment. 'Well…my dads are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise. I can stay here', I suggested. 'You want to spend the night…with me?' Jesse asked. I nodded. 'Not sex though. Not yet', I said firmly. Jesse nodded. 'Of course. That's fine. Now, you can go to my room…I think there's some of my shirts in the drawers. You can pull one on to sleep in, right?' I nodded. 'Cool. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Back in a sec', he kissed my forehead and locked the bathroom door.

I wandered into his room. I was glad I'd cleaned it last night now that I was going to be staying over. I rifled through his t shirts until I found one. It was the one he'd bought when we went to that Wiggles concert, last year. The carebear I'd won for him was on his pillow. I smiled, and climbed into the huge bed. I heard the toilet flush and, surprisingly, Jesse say 'WOO!' I frowned. Something was really up with him tonight. He was acting really happy and energetic and…high. I shook my head. No way would he do it again, not after last night. He wouldn't do it, not when I'd come over especially. He threw the door open and stumbled into the room. He was grinning at me, and he shrugged off his jacket as he climbed into bed. 'Hey baby. Totally ready for some awesomeness' He kissed me. 'One second', I said, pulling away. I looked at him closely. His eyes were wide, and there were beads of sweat on his forehead…and his nose was bleeding slightly. I slapped him. 'You're high!' I screamed at him. I got out of the bed and sat on a chair, blocking the door. 'I tried not to think too long about why you were acting strangely, but I just can't ignore it any longer! Why, Jesse? WHY?' I broke down, crying. Jesse sat up. 'Rach…it's ok…chill', he said. I shook my head firmly. 'It is not ok. But I'm not gonna talk about it with you right now, while you're in this state' I sobbed. He stood up. 'Look, I'm not in any sort of state', he said, losing his footing and falling flat on his face. 'Shit…that hurt' he said, then he laughed. 'What's so funny?' I mumbled. He laughed harder. 'I don't even know! How flat fucking crazy is THAT?' he said. I sighed. 'Look Jesse, just take your clothes off and get into bed' I told him. 'Ooh, now there's an invitation I just can't refuse' he said in a stupid voice, and proceeded to step out of his jeans. I shook my head. 'I didn't mean it like that, and you know it', but he cut me off. 'Whoever gets my pants, gets my pants snake in them' he threw them at me. I stepped out of the way, arms folded across my chest. 'And here's my lucky lady!' he said, ripping off his shirt and coming towards me. 'STOP! NO!' I shouted. He looked at me, his head to the side. 'Aw, come on baby, I'm trying to be sexy for you!', then he started singing. 'Don't…don't you want me? Don't you want me baby?', he pranced around, doing this ridiculous dance. I burst into tears. 'No. I want the real you. I want Jesse. The guy who's nuts about me. The guy who would never hurt me. I don't want…I don't want this!' I sobbed. I felt strong arms around me. I buried my head into his warm chest. 'I don't want you to be high all the time. The drugs change you, Jesse, they make you a different person. And I HATE that other person. The guy who tries to have sex with me all the time, who says stupid things…he's a real jerk! And I can't stop thinking that you could easily die!' I cried into his chest. 'I'm…sorry?' he asked. I shook my head at him. 'Forget it. Just…get into bed, sleep it off. We'll talk in the morning, when you're back to normal', I said. 'I couldn't give a flying fuck what's normal. I haven't had a normal day in years' he told me, smiling. I pulled the covers over him and kissed his forehead. Then I walked over to the other side of the bed and climbed in, scooted over to Jesse and wrapped my arms around his body. 'You're staying with me?' he whispered. 'Always', I promised. We fell asleep as I listened to his gentle breathing, and watched the slow rise and fall of his chest.

He woke up screaming in the middle of the night. He was shivering, sweating. I held him. I told him it was all ok. He told me he needed it. I held him tight. I didn't let him go. I was there, at his side, when he called, when he cried. I made him stay with me. I didn't let him go. And now I realized I'd been here for the show. Every high, every low – but I knew I wouldn't give up. I couldn't give up. I'd promised him. Then he lay with me. He cried. I cried. Then his hand found mine, like yesterday. And everything else went away.


	5. Chapter 5

_**So I wasn't sure how you'd find the last chapter, but I had good responses! So thanks, and enjoy :)**_

The next morning I woke up, and he was gone. No. 'Jesse?' I called out. Nothing. I curled up in his bed, trying to stop the tears. I knew where he was. Of course I did. He was in the bathroom. Doing the C. The smack. The horse. The jugie boogi. The blow. I turned over and glanced at the small table by his bed. There was a photo of us, from my birthday, when he drove all the way to West Virginia so we could see RENT. I smiled sadly. He had his arm around me. I was taking the picture. We both had our shirts on that he'd made – mine said 'this diva needs her stage', and his said 'viva la vie boheme!' – and I felt a tear slowly trickle down my cheek. That was the last time I'd actually felt truly happy. I couldn't ever see myself being that happy again, not now. Because Jesse couldn't be himself anymore. Well. Maybe Jesse's self, his personality, was this crack addled jerk that I'd become all too familiar with. I wouldn't stop loving him though. I couldn't stop loving him. I'd tried that – and look where it got me.

I moved onto his side of the bed. It smelled bad, but I forced myself to stay there. After a few minutes, I got past the sweat and the dirt, and I could smell Jesse. Musky and sweet and warm. No amount of toxins could get rid of it. It was still there. A huge burst of nostalgia welled up inside of me and I let out a sob. Jesse, my Jesse, was still there. Somewhere, underneath all the mess, there was the caring, talented, amazing boy I fell in love with. It made me feel better to know that.

Suddenly I heard the front door open. Oh god. I was about to call out for Jesse when I thought maybe keeping quiet would be safer. I pulled the covers up, over my head, and lay there, eyes shut tight, trying to breathe as quietly as possible. I heard footsteps – boots, with a masculine click. They entered the bedroom. Then I heard a soft chuckle. I felt the weight of someone sitting on the bed next to me…then they pulled the covers off me…and then I felt hot breath on my neck. I couldn't die, not yet…I'd not had sex, I'd not been on Broadway – I hadn't saved Jesse.

'Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello…' I let out a huge sigh of relief. 'My god, you scared me!' I laughed shakily. Then I remembered. 'Where have you been, Jesse?' He considered for a moment. 'Jess, tell me where you were, please', I begged him. , he said as he kissed me. 'I bought us some breakfast – well, I got it delivered to the building. I can't go outside' he said, ashamed. 'But it's good stuff. All vegan', he said, smiling at me. 'No eggs then?' I said, trying to make a joke. It was obviously the wrong thing to say; Jesse's face crumpled and he took several deep breaths, his hands shaking. 'I'm sorry', I said uncertainly. 'No, it's ok. Can we please just not talk about that? It makes me…it makes me go to that place. The bad place', he explained. I nodded. 'Of course. I understand. So, what food did you get?'

We sat for the next couple of hours, laughing as we fed each other the fruit and breakfast muffins he'd bought, talking about glee club. When we were done, I told him. I couldn't put it off any longer. 'Jesse, we have to talk. About…about you using cocaine', I said slowly. He shifted uncomfortably. 'Rach…I'd honestly rather not. Look, I promise I won't use it again', he said, looking at the floor the entire time. 'Believe me, I really don't want to be having this conversation either. But I've tried to ignore it, I've tried letting you do it your way, so now it's my turn. Because if this relationship has any hope of a future, we need to talk about things properly. And we need to deal with our problems, not ignore them and hope they solve themselves', I said, surprising myself. Jesse raised his eyebrows. 'Ok. You can try and help me. If you really want to…I mean, it won't be easy', he said doubtfully. 'If I wanted to be easy, my name would be Santana Lopez', I joked. We laughed together, and he held me as we watched the sun rise.

'It means so much to me that you care', he said, kissing my cheek. I smiled. 'You think I could have sat through RENT all those times and not hated Roger for leaving Mimi?' I asked him. 'Well, didn't you hate Mimi too? She just went to the dealer, even when she'd promised she wouldn't, when Roger was doing everything he could to help her…oh god. She's like me', he realized. I nodded. 'Yes. She is. But Roger never stopped loving Mimi, even when she did all those things. I'll always be your Roger, only I won't head out of town. I'll never make you say goodbye, love', I told him, my eyes beginning to fill up. He kissed my cheek softly. 'I die without you', he whispered.

I don't know how long we lay there for, but suddenly there was a knock at the door. 'I'll get it', I said casually. Jesse glanced at his watch. 'Shit. Don't answer the door, Rach. It's…it's my dealer', he said quietly. I froze, and darted back to Jesse. 'Is the door locked?' I whispered. He nodded, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then he knocked again, and shouted. 'Um, Mr St James?', I frowned. I knew that voice from somewhere. 'I'm gonna have to say something', whispered Jesse. I shook my head at him frantically but he called out, 'Now's not a great time'. There was a pause. 'Oh, ok. So, shall I call back later?' said the voice. 'No. Don't call back. Ever', Jesse responded, but I could tell it was hard for him to say. I heard a jangling sound from behind the door. 'I'm sorry, but Mr Parker told me to do this if anyone ever refused', he said, voice shaking with nerves. Where did I know that voice from? I racked my brains – then a key turned in the lock. 'Shit. Shit. Rachel, hide behind the counter', Jesse whispered. I didn't need telling twice. I crouched behind it, and peered out. The door opened, and someone stepped inside Jesse's apartment. I gasped, and came out from behind the counter. He did a double take. 'Rachel?', he said, surprised. 'What the hell are you doing here?', I asked him, furious. Jesse frowned. 'You two know each other?' he asked. I nodded. 'I can't believe…I just can't believe it', I said, shaking my head angrily. 'Of all the people I know, you would never be on my list of potential drug mules, Sam.'

_**Ok, so did you like the twist at the end? Review please! :) **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Hope you thought Sam was a good idea. If you want him to stick around in the story, let me know :)**_

Sam ran a hand through his bieber-like hair. 'I don't know what to say', he said quietly. I marched over to him. 'Maybe you can start by explaining why you've been supplying my – friend – with illegal, dangerous drugs!', I screamed. Jesse put a hand on my shoulder. 'Rach, it's not his fault. Sam's just the courier. He's only following orders', and Sam nodded quickly. 'Yeah, that's right. So can we just please keep this between us?', he begged. I shook my head. 'You're doing this because of your family situation', I said. It wasn't a question, but he nodded anyway. 'The money's good, and there's no chance I'll run into people from school – or so I thought', he explained. It was quiet for a long time. Then Jesse spoke. 'Look, Sam, I don't want the drugs any more. I'm gonna quit – with Rachel's help, he said, taking my hand. 'So please can you just leave, and not come back? Tell Parker I'm going clean', he said. I was still so angry that Sam, someone I thought was sensible, a friend, had contributed to hurting Jesse. But, like they'd both said, the fault lay elsewhere. So I nodded. 'I'm willing to forget about this. As long as you never, ever come back here', I said firmly. Sam's eyes suddenly filled with tears. 'What is it? I asked. 'I've never had to do this…I never thought I'd need to', he said, tears running down his face. 'Do what?' I asked. He looked at me, then Jesse. 'I'm so sorry…Mr Parker says you have to give me the money…or…or', his voice trailed off. 'Or what?' asked Jesse nervously. 'I'm so sorry', Sam whimpered as he reached into his pocket. I screamed.

Jesse stood infront of me. 'Put down the gun, Sam. Just think about this. What would your parents say?' Sam shook his head. 'They're never around', he said. 'Your girlfriend?' I shook my head at Jesse. He misunderstood. 'Boyfriend?' Sam laughed, and so did I, in spite of the situation. 'I don't have anyone', he explained. I remembered something from glee club last week, before I ran into Jesse. The way Sam had been smiling and staring at her was just too obvious. 'Sam, if you do this…Mercedes will hate you', I said. His eyes widened. 'How did you…Mercedes doesn't even notice me', he mumbled. I shook my head. 'She likes you too. She just doesn't see the point in letting you know, because she thinks she has more chance of dating Kurt than you', I told him. 'Oh my god', Sam whispered. 'She likes me? She actually likes me?', he asked, grinning a little. 'More than you know', I said, nodding. Sam looked at the gun he was holding. He cried again. 'I can't …but if I don't...what will I say to Parker? He'll kill me', he asked, his eyes wide and frightened. 'Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?' he broke down completely. 'What's wrong with me? I'm Sam Evans. I read comic books. I eat ice cream. I watch Avatar. I play football. I don't…I don't KILL PEOPLE!', he collapsed onto his knees, and the gun clattered to the floor.

We both ran over to him, and Jesse picked up the gun as I grabbed some Kleenex for Sam. Jesse spoke first. 'Sam, you go back to Parker. You tell him that I refused the drugs, and I managed to steal the gun. Ok?' Sam nodded weakly. He hugged Jesse. 'Thanks…I'm so, so sorry', he cried again. 'For giving you crack, for trying to kill you...please forgive me', he sobbed. Jesse put his arm around him, and kissed his cheek. 'Of course. I understand', he smiled at Sam, who was looking deeply confused. 'Um, I'm sorry…I don't like boys. But I don't have a problem with you', he said quickly. Jesse burst out laughing. 'Sam, I kissed you because I think you seem like a nice guy. I thought we could be friends – that's how I kiss my friends! And to be honest, you look like you need all the affection you can get', he said, grinning. Sam smiled. I kissed Sam's other cheek, leaving him looking more confused than ever. 'Besides, Jesse's kind of taken', I grinned, and kissed my man on the lips.

Sam stood up. 'I'll get back to Parker…see you guys around', he waved goodbye. 'Wait!' Jesse called out. 'Don't go to him yet – I need to move out of here first', he said. Sam and I looked at each other in confusion. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because Parker will come here, with a gun, and trust me, we won't be able to stop him', he told me. 'I'm so sorry', Sam apologized again. 'Dude, you can stop saying that already! You're not to blame. You just made a bad decision when you decided to be a courier', Jesse assured him. I nodded in agreement. 'Besides, it's about time I got a new place'.

We packed up the apartment, and took the stuff to my house. Sam had left after dinner, looking happier. It had been a crazy day, and Jesse and I threw ourselves onto my bed with exhaustion. 'Today was just...I can't explain!' I said. Jesse laughed. 'You know, in the midst of all the crazy, I didn't think once about using. So it was actually a pretty good day, I suppose', he mused. 'Poor Sam. You know, I saw a lot of couriers, but he was the only one who asked me how I was doing, you know, like he actually cared. He even seemed reluctant to hand me the drugs sometimes', he told me. I smiled. 'Sam is a good guy. He's just…he has some tough problems, at home', I explained. 'Sam's face when you kissed him! It was hilarious!' I giggled at the memory. Jesse laughed too. 'You know, Jesse, it was really great to see you just hug him and kiss him like that, you know? Most straight guys would be all worried it made them gay or something. You're such a cool guy', I kissed him. 'Well, I'm perfectly comfortable in myself. I don't like to get caught up with labels', he told me, although he couldn't look me in the eye. 'Jesse? What's wrong?', I asked him. 'Look Rachel, I didn't really want you to know this…I mean, you might think badly of me', he said softly. 'What don't you want me to know?' I asked. He closed his eyes. 'I'm bi', he whispered.

'Jesse, that doesn't make me think of you any differently', I told him, and kissed him briefly. 'What made you think you couldn't tell me?' I asked. 'Well, I told my last girlfriend and she just called me a sick freak and never spoke to me again', he explained. I sighed. 'Jesse, whether you like guys or girls, it makes no difference. I love you, and you love me. That's all that matters', I told him firmly. He stared at me in euphoric disbelief, and suddenly his lips were on mine, kissing me deeply and passionately. He dipped his tongue into my mouth, and found mine. We kissed until I didn't know where my mouth ended and his began. We kissed until I couldn't think. We kissed until nothing else mattered anymore, just that we were both here, now, giving in to our love.

We lay there, bathed in moonlight. I thought he was asleep. He thought I was asleep. You are the most amazing person, someone whispered. Hands touched. Eyes met. Silence. Heat. He was the boy. I was the girl.

**_Reviews are the light to my candle. I'm open to suggestions :)_**


	7. Chapter 7

**_So this a longer chapter than usual, but as I haven't updated in a while, I didn't think you'd mind too much. Enjoy :)_**

**THE FOLLOWING MONDAY**

I walked into school with the biggest smile on my face. Yesterday, I'd managed to get Jesse out of the house for longer than the five minutes he was used to, and today, I'd convinced him to drive me to school. He had been scared at first, but I put a Queen CD on, and soon we were driving along, laughing, singing…suddenly my phone vibrated, startling me. Before I could read the message, Coach Sylvester barged past me. 'Out of my way, dwarf', she snarled at me. I flipped open my phone. SHE'S A KILLER QUEEN! J X it read. I laughed; his timing couldn't have been more perfect. I replied WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TODAY? :) XX and walked to my locker. As I opened the door, I heard a voice next to me. 'Hey', I turned around and saw Sam. I smiled. 'Hey, Sam…oh my god! What happened to your eye?', I asked, horrified. It was bruised, an awful dark, yellowish purple. 'No, it's nothing', Sam said. 'Did Parker do that to you?', I whispered. He considered for a moment, then nodded. 'He was mad at me for losing the gun…and a client', he whispered back. 'I'm sorry. Hope it clears up soon. Did you quit your…job?' I asked. He shrugged. 'Not exactly. I was fired. But I'm glad, and I'm gonna go back to delivering pizzas. Much safer', he smiled weakly. 'That sounds best', I agreed. The bell went, signalling lessons. 'Guess I'd better go', I said, waving goodbye. Sam gave me a hug, and kissed my cheek. 'See you in glee', he called back.

It wasn't until Spanish when Jesse texted me back. JUST DRIVING AROUND, WALKING THROUGH TOWN. HAVEN'T SEEN IT FOR A YEAR! WHAT ABOUT YOU? X I carefully texted back under the table, IN SPANISH WITH MR SCHUE. BORING! WILL YOU COLLECT ME AFTER GLEE TONIGHT? XX I doodled on my quiz sheet for a few minutes, and then he replied SURE. CAN I COME WATCH? :) X I bit my lip. The club still pretty much hated Jesse after last year. I'LL HAVE TO TALK TO THE TEAM FIRST, OK? X I replied. When the bell went for lunch, I decided it would be a good time to talk to them. I took a deep breath and strode into the cafeteria.

After I'd filled my plate with salad, I walked towards the table where I usually sat. Kurt, Mercedes, Tina and Mike were already there. They waved as I walked over. 'Rachel, I had long since given up trying to compliment something you were wearing, but today, I can find no wrong', Kurt nodded with approval. I glanced down at my outfit – the new jeans Jesse had bought for me yesterday. I was wearing them with my 'this diva needs her stage' shirt that I'd dug out of the back of my closet. I took the opportunity to bring Jesse into the conversation. 'Well, actually, this whole outfit was given to me by Jesse', I said cautiously. They all stared at me.

'Jesse…as in, Jesse St James?', Tina asked. I nodded. 'Yeah. I ran into him the other day, and we've been seeing each other. As friends', I said, deciding it might not be the best time to tell them we were madly in love. Mercedes spoke up. 'Rachel, I know I have about as much relationship experience as a nun, but…you do remember what he did to you, right?' she asked. 'Not just to us, to the team too', Mike said. I nodded. 'Yes, I remember. But I believe in second chances. Besides, he's really changed', I said. Kurt shrugged. 'Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it', he said. 'Well, you can see him tonight. He's coming to watch glee practice', I explained. They all stopped eating, their mouths open in horror. 'No. No way. I am not singing and dancing infront of that jerk', said Tina. Mike put his hand on her arm for support. I sighed. 'Well, it's happening. I am friends with him, and you don't have to like him. You just have to accept the fact that I do', I told them, leaving the table and going to eat with Puck, Lauren, Finn and Sam.

'Hello fellow glee clubbers', I greeted them. 'What do you want, Berry?', asked Lauren. 'I was just passing, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about the special guest who's coming to watch glee practice later', I told them, trying a more direct approach. 'Who?' asked Finn. 'Jesse St James', I said casually, trying to mask my nerves. Finn and Puck both frowned. 'Rachel, the guy tried to make you into an omelette', Puck said. I groaned in exasperation. 'Can't everyone just get over that already? I did!', I said, annoyed. 'I'm not comfortable having that guy near me. Even if you're willing to forget what he did to you, I haven't forgotten what he did to the rest of the team. He TPd our choir room, he intimidated us with Another One Bites The Dust, he egged a member of our team in our school parking lot, and he deliberately set out to spy on us. And he – he took you away from me, Rachel', Finn said angrily. I rolled my eyes. 'Finn, now is not the time', I whispered furiously. Lauren shrugged. 'I don't know who he is. I couldn't care less', she stated. Sam cleared his throat. 'Look, Jesse sounds like a good guy, and you know, if Rachel's forgiven him then I think we all can too', he said. I smiled at him. 'Thank you, Sam. No more discussion. Jesse is coming tonight', I said as I got up.

The only people I hadn't told yet were Artie, Quinn, Santana and Brittany. I couldn't see Santana or Brit anywhere, but I figured they wouldn't really care either way. Surprisingly, I found Quinn and Artie sitting together on the bleachers outside. Obviously both single and trying not to look like loners, they were eating together out of convenience. I knew they would want to be told about Jesse, so I walked over towards them – when Quinn stood up and kissed Artie full on the mouth. I stood still, mouth open in shock. I ducked behind the bleachers, and watched. Artie smiled, and said something to Quinn, who nodded and kissed him again. I ran off, laughing in happy shock. Quinn and Artie…well, I certainly didn't see that one coming. Deciding not to disturb them, I fumbled for my phone and texted Jesse SEE YOU AT 4PM? CHOIR ROOM? :D XX and got a response straight away. CAN'T WAIT! :D X I smiled and skipped down the empty hall, stopping when I heard groans from the janitor's closet. 'Cum for me baby', I heard someone say, and I walked away quickly. Definitely Santana, with whichever poor boy she'd found wandering the halls.

The afternoon passed by quickly, and I made my way to the choir room. Everyone else was already inside, and I could see Jesse stood at the end of the hall, smiling at me. I ran towards him. He crushed me into a hug, and kissed me. I was still getting used to the amazing feeling it gave me when his lips were on mine…when I remembered I had to make sure he was himself. 'Have you used any today?', I asked him quietly. He shook his head. 'Nope. I think getting out of the house, keeping myself busy was the answer. Although, I'm not gonna lie, I nearly had some just now. I'm really nervous about seeing…other people. Especially them, after everything last year…but I figured they'd like me more if I'm sober, and obviously I knew it would upset you', he explained. I kissed him. 'I'm so proud of you, Jesse', I told him. He kissed me again, and then I took his hand. 'Come on. Let's face the music', I said firmly.

We walked to the choir room, and I decided it would be best to just walk in, holding his hand. All the talking, the giggling, the paper aeroplanes stopped as we entered. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. 'You'll all remember Jesse St James', I began, but Finn cut across me. 'Yeah, I remember how he betrayed us', he shouted angrily. Other members of the team were nodding in agreement. Jesse stepped into the middle of the room. 'I just want to tell you all how sorry I am for everything that I did last year. It was stupid and unprofessional. But you have to know that I didn't come to this school to break the team or anything. I was sent here by Miss Corcoran, because she wanted to meet her daughter. So my intentions were always good, I swear. But that doesn't excuse my behaviour after I transferred back to Carmel. I am sorry, believe me. I just hope you can all forgive me', he said hopefully. Puck and Finn were both still doubtful, but Artie spoke up. 'You know, I think in this club, we give second chances. Quinn got a second chance after what happened last year', he said, smiling at her. She ducked her head, embarrassed, but I knew she was happy with what he'd said. Artie continued. 'Puck got hundreds of chances after all the stuff he did. Finn got a second chance after he was a jerk to Kurt. All the Cheerios got second chances after spying on us. Rachel got a second chance after what happened with Sunshine. So I think Jesse should get a second chance too', he concluded. Sam nodded. 'I agree. Second chances are nice', he said. Jesse smiled at him. 'Thanks, Sam. So I'd like to stay and just watch you guys practice, if that's ok, Mr Schuster', he asked. Mr Schue nodded. 'Sure, Jesse. Thanks for apologising. It means a lot. Besides, I think we could use all the help we can get to beat Vocal Adrenaline!'

Rehearsal went by quickly. We didn't really rehearse anything specific; people just sang whatever song they'd been working on that week. Santana and Artie sang Tango: Maureen, which sounded really great. Quinn sang Love Story, and it was actually pretty good – and don't get me started on the sexual tension between her and Artie! Mercedes, Tina and Brittany did Lady Marmalade, which was just brilliant. Sam clapped harder than anyone else at the end. Then Kurt sang Popular, and that was hilarious, and so appropriate. Puck sang I'm Alive, and I was pleasantly surprised; I'd never heard him sing theatre before. Finn and Sam sang Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. Aside from Mike and Lauren's questionable backup dancing, (which was out of place, out of style, and frankly just plain weird), it was good, despite the fact they clearly didn't see the emotional truth of the song…but I held back my litany of criticisms and smiled as I saw Mercedes staring at Sam. Then I stood up, and sang Idina Menzel's version of No Day But Today. I directed my entire performance to Jesse. Everyone applauded at the end, and I curtsied. Mr Schue glanced at his watch. 'Well, it's nearly five. Well done today, everyone. You all did great', he smiled at us all. 'Jesse, could I have a word with you before you leave?' he asked him. Jesse nodded and got up. 'Of course. Thanks for letting me watch, you guys', he smiled at everyone, and walked over to Mr Schue. I skipped over to Kurt. He smiled. 'Rachel, you might possibly be the most annoying person with the worst taste in clothes that I have ever met, but damn it, woman – you can sing!', he said as he hugged me. 'Friends?', I asked. He nodded. 'Like Elphaba and Glinda', he said. I was distracted by voices next to me. 'Um, Artie, do you want a ride home? I can take you in my car', Quinn said, trying to act casually. Artie smiled. 'Yeah, thanks Quinn', he smiled. I whispered to them. 'Guys, could you be any more obvious?', and they both stared at me in shock. Quinn turned into Scary-Quinn. 'Rachel, if you tell anyone', I cut her off. 'I'm not gonna tell anyone! I'm happy for you', I smiled, and turned away before she said anything else. Mr Schuster suddenly turned back to the group. 'Guys, great news. Meet your new assistant show choir director – Jesse St James!'

**_Please review! I know I have readers out there :)_**


	8. Chapter 8

**_Thanks for the (2) reviews...a few more next time would be nice! Anyway, enjoy :)_**

The drive home was…awkward. Most members of the group had clapped, myself included – but Finn had walked right up to Jesse, and said, 'you took advantage of her. She might still be mine if it wasn't for you!', he screamed, and walked out of the room. Everyone had stayed very, very silent, until Brittany piped up, 'Mr Schue, you can't just hire him because he's your son. That's like, racist or something', as she shook her head in disappointment. That promptly concluded the session.

I didn't care so much about Finn's stupid comment, but Jesse clearly did. He pulled over in the car park of the Lima Walmart, and we sat in silence for a moment. I tried to break the silence. 'Do you need something from the store?', I asked, although we both knew that wasn't the reason he'd stopped. Jesse took a deep breath. 'Rachel…when Finn said you might still be his…what did he mean?', he asked. I shook my head. 'Jesse, I really don't want to talk about this. Please', I begged. 'No, Rachel. All of the stuff about the drugs, my sexuality, I didn't really want to talk about it. But I knew it was important for the sake of our relationship. So I told you. Why won't you do the same?', he asked. I sighed in defeat. I told him everything.

Jesse sat in silence, taking everything in. His facial expression didn't change, so I couldn't tell what he was feeling. When I was finished, he was quiet for a few moments. Finally, he spoke. 'So you loved him?', he asked very quietly. I shrugged. 'Well, I think I did, maybe a little. But not in the way I love you. He was more like a friend that I cared about a lot', I tried to explain. 'But when you kissed him, it was a good thing', Jesse finished the sentence for me. I felt a tear run down my cheek. 'I don't know, Jesse. I just moved on from you, straight away. I've never been alone. I could never be alone. So I kissed Finn on the stairs that day because you had broken me, and I needed someone to kiss me, to hold me…to make me feel like I was worth something', I sobbed. 'Then suddenly we were dating, and I felt like I shouldn't think about you. So I didn't really think about you much until after Finn and I broke up…and then I realised I'd never stopped loving you. It took me so long to realise because I forced myself never to think about you. Then I found you again, last week, and when you kissed me, when you held me…that was everything I'd been looking for in Finn. But he could never make me feel that way. Only you can. Because I love you', I told him. I looked at Jesse, my beautiful Jesse. He was crying too. 'Why are you crying?', I asked him. 'Because you're perfect.'

We got back to my house, and as soon as I closed the front door, Jesse picked me up and spun me around. I laughed. 'What are you doing?', I asked. He grinned, and sat down on my bed, me on his lap, still with my arms around his shoulders. 'I love you, so, so much', he told me. 'I love you too', I told him. Before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine, and everything else went away. Just kissing him forever would be enough, but after a while I felt his hands on my breasts, and I was about to move them – then I remembered this wasn't Puck, or Finn. This was Jesse. His hands were gentle, though, I noticed, as they slowly caressed my chest. He wasn't rough like the others. I ran my own hand down his back, and let it rest on his hip. I felt his lips move down my neck, and stop at my breast. He glanced up, asking permission with his eyes. It was so sweet and considerate, and I consented with a nod of my head. He gently unbuttoned my shirt. My heart was beating fast – nobody had ever seen my bare breasts. Should I let him? It felt so right…but what if they were the wrong shape? What if they didn't feel right to him? But all my worries faded away as Jesse gently lay me down on the bed, and unhooked my bra. He looked at my chest for a moment, and then into my eyes. 'So beautiful', he whispered, and kissed the crook of my neck. He slowly moved down, letting his tongue run over my skin. Then he took my breast into his mouth. I groaned as I felt his tongue massaging the tip, his teeth nibbling gently. I could feel something hard on my thigh – had I given him an erection? I'd never given a guy an erection before. Finn always stopped himself, as if it was something to be ashamed of. I glanced at Jesse. He didn't seem as if he wanted to stop – I could feel him growing on my leg. Should I…help him finish? But would it make me seem like a slut? I considered, struggling to think straight as Jesse moved to my other breast. I decided I should. I took a deep breath, and quickly turned me and Jesse over, so that I was on top. He looked at me in surprise. Suddenly, I had a moment of doubt – but then I remembered what I had sung in glee club that day. I kissed him on the lips, and then started to remove his pants. Jesse stared at me in shock. 'Are you sure?', he whispered. I didn't answer directly. 'Give in to love, or live in fear', I sang softly.

I threw his pants aside and stared in wonder. I smiled. 'That's…um', Jesse grinned. 'Disappointed?', he asked. I shook my head, unable to tear my eyes away. 'No, that is most definitely not disappointing. Quite the opposite', I said. All I could think was that I wanted to touch it, to see how he felt. I ran a finger down him in awe, then realised what a stupid mistake I had made. I didn't know how to do this! I could put it in my mouth…but I wouldn't know what to do. Jesse took my hand. 'Like this', he showed me. I moved my hand up and down, loving the feel of him in my hand. He groaned. 'Yes…faster', he murmured. I obliged, feeling him grow harder under me. 'Yes, yes Rachel', Jesse said. I decided to increase the speed even more. Jesse shouted out. 'Oh god, Rach', and I thought maybe I was doing it wrong – but the feel of him beneath me told me I was doing just fine. I glanced at his face for the first time, and gasped. Eyes closed, mouth slightly open, eyebrows raised a little. He was beautiful. I didn't want to look away, and he suddenly said, 'I'm gonna cum. Almost there, almost there…oh god! Yes!', he yelled, as I watched his face the entire time. I felt something warm and wet in my hand. He sighed in contentment, and opened his eyes. 'I love you, Rach. I really fucking love you', he told me, and kissed me. 'Was I okay?', I asked. He laughed. 'You were more than okay, honey', he answered, kissing me again. I laughed with him, all of my worries long forgotten. This man loved me, and I loved him. And tonight, I had shown him my love in a truly amazing way.

Only us, and only this. All regret forgotten, otherwise life could just be missed. Only us, only tonight. We'd just let go, to know what was right. I couldn't control my destiny, I just had to trust my soul, and know my only goal was just…to be. Only now, only here. I'd given in to love, better than to live in fear. No other road, no other way. No day but today.

**_So I apologise for the sexual part - I've never written anything like that before - so obviously it wasn't that great...I won't be able to update for a bit because I'm in les mis all this week...but PLEASE review! Reviews are the empty chairs to my empty tables._**


	9. Chapter 9

**_So I'm sorry for not updating in a while - I was in Les Miserables all last week. So here's an extra long chapter to make up for it :)_**

We woke up the next morning, my head on Jesse's chest. His arm was around me. My eyes closed again, as I listened to the birds singing, the distant hum of morning traffic and, closest, Jesse's breathing. I smiled. I felt complete.

I felt lips on my cheek. 'Time to get up', Jesse whispered. I groaned in protest. 'No…I just want to stay here. With you', I said. He laughed. 'So would I, believe me, but I can't miss my first day', he reminded me. After everything that happened last night, I'd completely forgotten about Mr Schue's offer. 'Oh god, yeah! I'm so proud of you. Getting your first real job', I told him. 'I can't tell you how nervous I am', he muttered. I panicked. 'Jess, you're gonna be brilliant. You don't need to – to use any, um', I couldn't bring myself to say it. 'I know. I don't need it. I won't need it', Jesse said, more to himself than to me. I realised I was glad he was going to be in the same place as me all day. I could make sure he didn't cave. 'Come on. Breakfast', I said, getting up and walking into the kitchen. He followed me in after a couple of minutes, and wrapped his arms around my waist. 'Sorry for thinking about it. I'm so grateful that you're here for me, Rach. I can't get through this alone', he told me. I leaned into him and responded. 'I'll always be here.'

The day passed by agonisingly slowly. I was hoping I could sit with him at lunch, but I couldn't see Jesse anywhere. I joined Tina, Mercedes, Mike and Kurt again instead, but I couldn't really concentrate on what they were saying. After everyone had left, Kurt stayed with me. 'What is up with you, Rachel?', he asked me. I shrugged. 'Just…I miss Jesse', I mumbled. He raised his eyebrows. 'What exactly is going on with you two? Are you back together?', he asked. I nodded. 'Keep it quiet though, we don't want everyone to know just yet', I asked him. Kurt smiled excitedly. 'Of course not. Your secret is safe with me', he promised. I thanked him and then we were quiet for a moment. Then I sighed in frustration. 'I have to talk to him', I told Kurt. 'He's in the teacher's lounge', he responded. I sighed. It looked like I would have to wait until glee club.

I practically ran to the choir room at 4pm. It was empty except for Jesse, who was dividing sheet music into piles. 'Thank god you're here, I've been wanting to do this all day!', I said as I kissed him. He responded to my kiss and then whispered 'I missed you', softly into my ear. 'I missed you too, Jess', I replied. We carried on kissing.

Aware of footsteps behind me, I broke away. 'Hi Quinn...Artie', I said. Quinn was sat on Artie's lap, and she quickly jumped off. 'I hurt my leg in gym', she said unconvincingly. Jesse was looking confused - I hadn't told him about what I'd seen yesterday yet - but people started arriving, so I followed Quinn and Artie to the seats. Jesse continued sorting sheet music. After a while, Mr Schue put his head around the door. 'Guys, I have a meeting with Principal Figgins about our New York trip, so Jesse - I mean, Mr St James, will do this session with you', he told us. Finn stood up. 'This is garbage!', he began, but Mr Schue interrupted. 'Finn, if you don't listen to Mr St James, I will have to reconsider your position in this glee club. Be polite', he said, and left. Finn angrily sat down again. Jesse turned and smiled at us all. 'Ok, so you guys can call me Jesse, ok?', he asked us. Everyone nodded. 'This is how I work. I will be firm but fair, I will criticize when it's needed, and I will praise when it's needed. But above all, I will always be honest. Painfully so', he told us. Then he began to hand out sheet music. 'Today, we're gonna do some work on one of my favorite songs. Bohemian Rhapsody', he told us, smiling.

Everyone looked excited; Puck and Mercedes actually cheered. I sat very still and tried to swallow my pain. I was confused - wouldn't they hate his choice? Vocal Adrenaline used it to beat us at Regionals...then I remembered that no-one except myself had seen the epic performance. They'd all been at the hospital as Quinn's baby - my sister - was born. I immediately stopped myself from thinking about my mom. 'Queen? I could dig that', said Puck. 'I shall take full charge of costume, obviously', called out Kurt. Everyone else seemed down with it, aside from Quinn. 'Quinn? Are you ok?', Artie asked. She shrugged. 'I'm fine. I just...get a weird vibe from that song. I don't know why. But it's fine. I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun', she said quietly. 'I thought that song was about a baby', said Mercedes, confused. Jesse laughed. 'Well, Bohemian Rhapsody is about a lot of things - nobody truly knows. It's an explosion of musical freedom and expression, and combines just about every style and genre you can think of. It's so much more than just a song; it's a truly orgasmic experience', he told us.

Santana held up a hand. 'Hold it. If Pyramid Nipples and Willow Streisand get all the leads in this, I'm gonna go all Lima Heights', she shouted. 'Calm down, Santana. First off, I won't tolerate mean nicknames. Apologize to Finn and Rachel', he told her. Santana rolled her eyes. 'I'm sorry. You are both beautiful, talented people', she said in a tone so polite it had to be fake. Finn looked surprised that Jesse was sticking up for him. Jesse continued. 'And secondly, I will make sure that all the talent in this room is shown in the performance, Santana, so don't worry. You'll get your chance', he promised.

He began handing out sheet music, he played the opening chords on the piano, and that's when it became too real. I remembered. I stood up. 'Someone else can sing my verses. I - I don't feel so good', I lied and ran out of the room. Jesse tried to follow me. 'Rach? What's wrong?', he asked, holding me. It would have been so easy to just relax into his arms and forget - but I couldn't do that. I gently pulled myself free of his hold. 'I can't. I - I can't', I told him, holding back the tears that threatened to pour down my face. I ran, not looking back, all the way to the auditorium. I sat in the back row of the circle, the highest point in the theatre. Then, I let the tears flow. It was that song. Every time I heard it, I was standing in the Ohio community theater, at the back, watching Jesse perform as if nothing was wrong. The feelings of love and hate stirring in my heart would begin again. I took it off my iPod the same day, and I never listened to it, ever again. I couldn't. He'd seen me, that day, standing at the back. He'd looked right at me, and carried on singing. Like I was invisible.

After a while, I heard footsteps next to me. I didn't look up until he said, 'Hey'. 'Hey', I responded. He sat next to me, and there was an awkward silence. 'It was the song, wasn't it', he said. It wasn't a question. So I didn't answer. 'I shouldn't have chosen Bo Rhap. It was a stupid mistake...', he whispered. 'Jesse, you don't understand. I can't listen to that song! You see, whenever I hear a song, it fixes itself into my subconscious, and something I'm thinking or feeling is imprinted on that song, forever. Whenever I hear Don't Stop Believing, I remember Mr Schue deciding to stay at McKinley, and the feeling of belonging, for the first time in my life. Whenever I hear Poker Face, I remember singing with my mom. I remember our voices together, for the first and last time, not wanting the song to end because then I'd never see her again. And whenever I hear...whenever I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, I feel everything I force myself to never think about...even though the memories have gone, the aftershocks live on', I tried to explain. 'I feel something horrible rise up inside of me. It makes me hate you so, so much - but it makes me love you so, so much too - it's too much for me to take', I cried again. He put his arms around me. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. I could feel him crying too. 'Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry', he sobbed into my hair. 'I understand now. You want to know something?', he whispered. 'What?', I asked.

He turned so that he was looking right into my eyes. 'Whenever I hear Don't Rain On My Parade, I remember watching you, some beautiful girl from the enemy glee club, walking down the aisle, confidence and talent radiating off of you, and you just owning that stage. I lied to you, that day we first met. You totally understood the emotional depth. I just couldn't handle you being better than me. Whenever I hear Hello, I remember you and me singing for the first time. The first time I'd ever felt a connection with someone in a song. Whenever I hear Faithfully, I remember standing in the wings, watching you and Finn sing together, and wishing more than anything that it was me up there with you. That I hadn't just left you behind as if you didn't matter.'

Then we were kissing, deeper than ever. I don't know how long we were there, but eventually Mr Kinney the janitor yelled at us to get out. We ran, screaming with laughter into the parking lot. I got into the car, still laughing. 'Let's go out for dinner', suggested Jesse. 'My treat', he smiled. I nodded. 'Where do you want to go?', I asked. He furrowed his brow in mock thought. 'Well...I've heard about this place, it's Italian, I think...it's called Breadstix?', he joked. I laughed. 'Ok. Breadstix sounds good', I agreed, and turned out of the school.

We arrived at the restaurant, and Jesse immediately ordered sodas. When they arrived, he drank his down in literally three seconds and ordered another. I frowned at him. 'Jesse, are you ok?', I asked. He nodded. 'Yeah...I'm just thirsty, I guess', he replied. Jesse ordered the all-you-can-eat pasta special, and came back from the salad bar with a loaded plate before I had even glanced at the menu. He began eating quickly, shoveling huge forkfuls into his mouth. 'Slow down, Jess!', I said. He ignored me, continuing to stuff his face. 'Jesse!', I hissed. People were starting to stare at him. He finished the enormous portion in less than two minutes and was about to get more. I stopped him. 'Jesse, we're not in any rush. You don't need to finish every dish in record time', I joked. 'I'm just really hungry..like, insanely hungry', he said. 'I just need to eat', he explained. I shrugged. 'Ok...but please don't sit stuffing your face. It's kind of rude', I told him. He nodded and walked back to the salad bar. I knew why he was hungry - but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

A half hour later, Jesse was on his sixth helping of pasta. I was only halfway through my pasta with meatless balls. I was watching him eat mouthful after mouthful, as I got more and more depressed. Finally, I put my fork down. 'Jesse...do you have any idea why you're so hungry?', I asked tentatively. He shrugged. 'I don't know. I just need to eat...I just need food', he said, having another mouthful. I sighed. 'It's because...it's because the withdrawl symptoms are kicking in', I told him. His eyes widened. 'Shit', he said, putting his fork down. 'I don't want to eat, I just need to, I need to feel the food in my mouth, my teeth need to chew it, my tongue needs to taste it...it's like the drugs', he realised. His hand was resting on the table. I took it in mine. 'I promised I'd help you through. I won't break it. No matter what', I said fervently. 'I love you', we said together.

**_PLEASEEEE review! Reviews are the Galileo to my Scaramouche. _**

**_Ok, I'm sorry that I won't be updating again for a while, but now I'm going on holiday! Sorry :( but I promise an extra long chapter, with smut, when I get back ;)_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_**Right, sorry for the delay. I've been on holiday...but I wrote new chapters on my phone and emailed them to myself whilst I was away. I know I promised an extra long chapter, but I changed my mind...so I'm gonna give you this chapter, then there will be 3 more over the next few days. So basically you'll get 2 weeks' worth in less than a week. Sound good? Anyways, enjoy! :)**_

We drove home in silence. I took the wheel; Jesse was clearly too upset to drive. When we got back to my place, I let us in, and then Jesse went straight to the living room. He sat down on the sofa, and clasped his hands together. I joined him. After a few moments of unbearable silence, Jesse finally spoke. 'If the increased appetite is anything like the drugs, then it's gonna be hard to curb. I won't be strong enough to stop myself - especially as I won't even have the incentive that it could kill me, like I do with the drugs. But in a way, I'm glad. Food is a welcome distraction from crack. Although now, I can't tell the difference between the two cravings. But will you help me, please? If I need food, then give me healthy stuff. And stop me, if I eat to much. God, I havent eaten a proper meal in so long. The pasta I had tonight was the first for months. I don't want to get fat - I can't. Not only because of my career, although there's no chance of that anymore, but because I don't want to lose you, Rachel. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that's ever happened to me', he told me fervently.

I looked into his eyes. They were tired, and full of sadness. I took his hand. 'Of course I'll help you. That goes without question. And...how could you ever think that i'd dump you if you got fat? Im not some shallow bitch. If i was, i would have already said my goodbyes. I take you. I won't leave you. And yeah, your career is still on the rocks, I'll admit. I promise you, though, as soon as you're clean, we'll get you back on track. But the thing is, the withdrawal symptoms are gonna get worse than this. There's depression, which can carry on for months...and you'll want the drugs constantly. Though I guess you already know that', I told him. Jesse nodded. He opened his mouth to say something, but I hadn't finished. 'Look, Jesse, I've been researching this and I'm worried. I need you to promise me you won't...you won't try to - to take your life. No matter how awful you feel. Please, don't do sadness', I begged him, my voice barely a whisper. His hand gently squeezed my shoulder. We just looked at each other for a moment, and no words were needed. Everything he needed me to know was conveyed in that gaze. He was thankful for the career support, for helping him through this part of the process, he knew I wasn't a shallow bitch, he knew there was worse on the way, and he was ready. I knew he wouldn't take his life, and he knew that I knew. He could see it in my eyes.

Jesse leaned towards me, slower than ever before, never breaking the intense eye contact. His lips pressed to mine. I felt the familiar, yet still amazing sensation of his lips on mine, of us moving together, complementing each others lips with every movement. I ran a hand through his hair, as I felt his thumb caress my cheek. I breathed in the scent I had always loved. It was his smell. With his lips on mine, his arms around me, his scent consuming me, my insides melted, my legs wobbled, my heart beat fast. And everything else went away.

I don't know how long it was, but eventually we remembered we had to breathe. Jesse smiled at me. 'So...last night', he whispered. I blushed, and ducked my head. He kissed up my neck, until his lips were right at my ear. 'Allow me to return the favour', he breathed. His strong hand moved up my leg, giving me the most incredible feelings. He stopped midway up my thigh, waiting for permission. I wanted him to...but...there was a but. I stopped his hand with my own. 'I want to. I do. It's just...no-one's ever...touched me. Not even myself', I confessed. He nodded. 'That's why it's going to be amazing. I love you. And I want to show you, Rachel. I'm not just being horny. This is real', he reassured me. I knew in that moment he was right. I knew it had to happen. I released his hand and gave him a small, nervous smile. He traced my lips with his fingertips. I shivered with anticipation at where those fingers would be in just a few moments. It was strange, because I'd always vowed to myself to remain completely celibate, never passing first base, until I was twenty five. But when I was with Jesse, I felt something I'd never felt with anyone, and all my plans flew away. Because I knew he loved me. And I knew he would quite happily wait until I was twenty five. That was why I didn't want to. 'Touch me', I whispered.

He gently tugged at the waistband of my skirt, and I felt the tartan skim over my legs as he skilfully removed it. Then he began at my ankles, soft kisses at first, then letting his tongue trail over my skin. Once at my knee, he gently opened my legs, and kissed up the inside of my thigh, nibbling at the flesh. I let out a tiny gasp. He took my panties off with his teeth, something i would have laughed at in a movie, but now, it was perfect. Then he looked right into my eyes. 'Rachel, you are so beautiful', he told me, as I felt him stroking my clit. Oh god...I sighed with content as he increased the pressure. 'And that...oh yeah...now that's heaven', I managed to stutter. He smiled, bringing his hand up to my lips. I didn't know what he was doing, until he slowly prised my lips apart, and moved his fingers across my tongue. I understood, and sucked, massaging them. After a moment, he stopped, and wandered down again. Jesse slipped his finger inside of me. The feeling of his skin on mine, in such an intimate way made me so happy. And the sensation when he slipped a second finger in, and began to move in me...'Now there...that's it!'...as he massaged my clit with his thumb at the same time, I couldn't think of anything else, and I could feel something building up inside of me. It consumed my mind...my breathing became ragged; I screamed, surprising myself. This would have felt amazing no matter who it was with, but because it was with Jesse, I felt a thousand times happier. 'Jesse. I. Love. You!', I screamed. 'I love you too...you feel amazing', he murmured. I could feel it again, something building up, it needed to explode. It was about to, any second. I realised what I could feel. 'I think...I think I'm coming', I whispered between moans of pleasure. 'I know - I can feel you', Jesse told me. Suddenly I felt myself release. 'Jesse!', I exclaimed in a strangled yell. He withdrew. His fingers were glistening, and he seductively licked them. I was about to thank him, when he pushed my legs apart again, and I felt something warm, wet, moving on me. He was kissing me. His tongue swirled around inside me, and then he nibbled softly at my clit. I shuddered, and whimpered slightly. He mistook my sound for pain, and stopped. I made a noise of protest. And he grinned and carried on. I closed my eyes, feeling like I was falling - no, flying.

He finished with a final kiss, and then moved so he was laying next to me. I didn't realise I was crying until he wiped a tear from my cheek. 'They're happy tears', I assured him, and he kissed me, this time on my mouth. I could taste myself in the kiss. We broke apart, and said, 'I love you', at the same time. We burst out laughing. Then Jesse wrapped his arms around me tightly. We lay there for a few, silent moments. 'Thank you. That was truly amazing', I told him. 'I love you. So much, Jesse', I told him. He kissed my temple. 'I love you too, Rachel. No matter what. Whether we're watching a movie', he kissed my collar bone, 'or you're helping me stop using', he kissed my neck, 'or we're fighting', he kissed my jaw, 'or I'm giving you your first orgasm', he kissed my lips, 'I love you. For always', he whispered into my mouth. I whispered, 'I'm here', and he replied, 'That's all I need to know'

**_Ok, I hope the smut was ok...still getting used to writing it. If you didn't like it then please tell me! _**

**_REVIEWS PLEASE! Reviews are the love to my story._**

**_PS - I've just written a new story, please check it out! It's glee doing Spring Awakening - but the casting isn't what you'd assume, and Rachel's not happy...St Berry, St Fabray, maybe some Faberry later on...please read it, its called The Clouds Will Drift Away :)_**


	11. Chapter 11

**Ok, so i know i said i would update more often, but i had ONE REVIEW for the last chapter, which kinda sucked. i know i have readers, so please review! this chapter is pretty intense, i worked very hard on it. so it skipped forwards a bit, i thought the day-by-day was a bit dull. just so you know, i did research cocaine withdrawl symptoms, and increased appetite is one of them. there's no shaking or sweating like with heroin, its mainly depression. just thought id clear that up before you guys yelled at me :) anyways, enjoy, AND PLEASEEEEE REVIEW!**

**Chapter 10**

_TWO MONTHS LATER_

I woke up after yet another sleepless night. After Jesse had been sleeping here for so long, I still wasn't used to sleeping alone. But my dads had come home, and Jesse had bought an apartment across the street. He still spent most of his time here – or I went to his place if we needed privacy – but it wasn't the same. Of course, my parents didn't know anything about the drugs, or the fact he'd been sleeping in my bed for over a month – I'd told them that I'd bumped into Jesse at the store one day, discovered he'd decided UCLA wasn't for him, and we'd reconnected. They didn't know anything about last year; they were under the impression we'd parted amicably when Jesse left for UCLA, not wanting to destroy our relationship with attempts at long distance. In all fairness, that's probably what would have happened, had circumstances been different.

I was worried about Jesse. He had really good days sometimes, when he ate normal amounts of food, when he walked around with a spring in his step and a wide grin, when he loved me until I couldn't think straight…but then there were the bad days. The days when he trudged through the hours wearily, when he didn't want to be touched, when he could barely lift the corners of his mouth, and when he did, it never reached his eyes. Then I would find him in his apartment, crying over an empty pizza box, and I would hold him.

Even when he begged me to let him call his old dealer, even when he cried and screamed at me to let him, I didn't give up. I just held him, because I knew the person I was seeing wasn't Jesse. It was a depressed, squashed down version of the man I loved. Sometimes, he stayed in bed all day and did nothing but eat and watch daytime tv. I would rush over early each morning with a healthy breakfast, he'd eat lunch with me, and then I'd cook dinner. Those were the better days. Sometimes, on the bad days, he'd rush out of school before I could catch up, and order a family sized KFC. I'd find him in his apartment, staring at the empty containers as if he didn't know how they had got there. Then he'd see me, and cry, and cry, and cry.

There were some days that I didn't know how I was still coping, and the fact that I couldn't talk to anyone made it even harder. I constantly had to stop myself from considering the possibility that I was in a dead end relationship. Nobody understood. Sam of course knew the circumstances, but he only knew vague details, and I wasn't sure how I felt about telling him everything, much as I wanted to. Besides, it would feel weird talking to someone I knew, and Sam was often distracted by his growing crush for Mercedes. It had stopped being cute now, and frankly I found it deeply irritating that they were both clearly in love with each other, but neither said anything. The glances, the shy compliments…it made me want to tear my hair out. They would have a simple relationship, no complications, 100% Samcedes and nothing else. Why didn't they just go to Breadstix already?

'Hey Rach', someone shouted, breaking me out of my daydream. I glanced up, seeing Kurt. I managed a small smile. 'Hey', I said, collapsing into his hug. We walked to class, and I nodded along to what Kurt was saying – something about Blaine wanting Kurt to spend the night at his place – and allowed my mind to wander back to my problems. 'RACHEL!', he yelled after a few minutes. I jumped. 'Yes, I think that sounds good', I said, feeling slightly guilty for tuning out. He raised his eyebrows. 'You think that Blaine wanting to have sex with me when he's already had sexual relations, and the fact that I am crazy with fear for my own sake, never mind what my dad and Finn will say, 'sounds good'? Rachel, what is wrong with you? Seriously, you've been vacant and distant for weeks, you walk around in a state of constant depression, you hardly eat, you have bags the size of Texas under your eyes, you're not singing as much as you used to, people think you're even more of a freak than they already did, you've been distancing yourself from your friends, I know your grades have been slipping, and don't even get me started on your clothes', he told me.

All the criticism, combined with my constant worry, and everything else I'd been dealing with, made my eyes fill up. I tried to stop myself from crying, but some jock barged into me and I fell over, hitting my head on the lockers and banging my knee on the hard floor. I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I just cried. Huge tears splattered onto the floor, I was making a dreadful noise, I could feel snot dripping out of my nose, people were staring and laughing, but I honestly didn't care.

Kurt just stared at me awkwardly for a moment. I glared at him through my tears, and he just shook his head and walked away. I continued lying face down, crying for all I was worth. I heard the bell, signalling class, and heard everyone walk away. Eventually, I couldn't hear anything but my own sobs, still hysterical. After god knows how long, I felt someone pick me up. I didn't have the energy to struggle, or even open my eyes; I just let them carry me. I knew it was Jesse, I mean, who else would it be, but I couldn't let myself look at his face. If I looked at his face, I'd cry again. So I just lay still in his arms, with my eyes shut tight. I heard a door open, and then the wind blow over my face. We were outside. Just before I was about to start shivering, I heard a car door open, and then I was surrounded by the warmth of the seat. I breathed deeply to inhale the comforting scent of my car – but what I smelled was something different. I recognised it, though. Hesitantly, I opened my eyes. Shit. 'What…why…', I asked. The person smiled at me. 'You ok now? Good', they said emotionlessly. I was about to answer, when the key turned in the ignition, and soon we were speeding away from McKinley.

I screamed. 'What the hell? Stop the car!', but it was hopeless. The car just speeded up. I began banging on the windows. 'HELP! HELP!', and then something – no, someone – reached out to strike my arm. I screamed again. Then, the car stereo started pumping out loud, angry music, music I didn't recognise, music I never wanted to hear again. I tried screaming over the top of it, but the heavy bass and pounding drum beats overpowered me easily. I gave up and let the tears flow again. I felt another blow, this time on the side of my face. 'Why are you hurting me? Haven't you hurt me enough already?', I yelled. The car speeded up. I glanced at the dashboard. 'Fuck, slow down!', I shouted. 'I can't see anything! Everything's just a blur!' 'Well, that's the idea', they shouted back. Hours passed. Everyone would be getting lunch now. I thought longingly of pasta, of gossip, of normality. This was anything but normal.

I knew that retaliating was useless and crying would get me hurt. I glanced in the mirror at the bright red mark on the side of my face. 'Who do you think you are, running round, leaving scars?', I asked quietly. Because this wasn't the first time. This person had hurt me in more ways and times than I could count. No answer. 'Look, can you please just stop the car?', I begged, trying to keep my voice civil. Finally, we juddered to a halt. I could see we were in the middle of a forest. I tried to open the door, but the locks suddenly clicked. The door stubbornly refused to open. I took a deep breath. 'Why are you doing this? Come on, we were doing fine!', I said. 'No. We weren't fine. We got by. That was the extent of it. Of everything', they told me. I stared at the person beside me. So familiar, yet so unrecognisable. 'You've hurt me. You've hurt me emotionally, for so long, and now you've hurt me physically. You didn't mean for all of the hurt, I know you didn't. But when you raised your hand just now, and bought it down on my face, on my body, you sure as hell did mean to hurt me', I explained, trying not to cry again.

There was silence for a moment, until they spoke. 'You know, I never understood why people beat others. I just couldn't get my head around how it could possibly make you feel better, make you feel good. I didn't see how people could enjoy it. It always seemed sick. But when you're faced with someone so vulnerable, so helpless and fragile…and you try it…it feels so good. I know I should be sorry, but honestly, I'm not', they told me. 'Sure, I've pushed people, I've thrown the occasional punch, but that was different. This feels…more exciting. And no-one can see us…I could just keep hurting you forever and no-one would know', they explained wistfully. I shivered with fear. 'Please, please don't. I'll do anything. Anything', I begged.

The person who was sat just inches away from me raised their eyebrows, intrigued. 'Anything? Well in that case…', and suddenly my seat was reclined all the way back, and they were straddling my body. I knew what was about to happen. 'Anything but that', I said, my voice barely a whisper. 'Ah, but you said anything. So we're gonna do it. I always wanted to do it with you, Rach', they grinned at me. I felt sick to my stomach.

I gave up trying to struggle after my first few attempts were easily stopped, and then my hands were tied around the back of the chair. I couldn't escape. So I decided not to scream, though I knew it was wrong. I lay there and breathed. I saw the clumsy fingers unbutton my blouse. 'You're so beautiful', they whispered to me. It wasn't right, though. It didn't make me feel special, like the last time I was told I was beautiful. It made me feel dirty. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it, tried not to feel it. But once the hands made their way up my thighs, towards my pants, I remembered the last time I was touched there. And this was not the same. This was rape. 'Please, don't, no. Don't, no…I don't want you to…you can't, you'll ruin everything', I sobbed. They stopped for a moment, hesitant. I met their gaze. Those eyes…they used to hold so much for me, or at least I thought they did. Not anymore.

I took a deep breath and tried not to cry as I stared into the eyes of the boy in front of me. 'You know that this isn't right, Finn'

_**Ok, what did you think? If there's finn/finchel fans out there, please dont hate me. remember, this is fanfiction. **_

_**Anyways, I only had ONE REVIEW for the last chapter, so I'd like some more please. Or there will be an even longer gap between chapters next time...so review. Reviews are the thunder to my road.**_


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry it took so long, but here it is! PLEASE review. I know there's quite a few subscribers. Maybe I will write more next time if you review...also this chapter is fairly epic...**

**Chapter Twelve**

Finn didn't seem to hear me; he just kept undoing my shirt until my chest was exposed. 'Oh, yeah', he murmured, not taking his eyes off my boobs. Pig. My legs were crushed under his weight, but I subtly moved slightly so that one leg was free. I slowly drew my leg up and kneed him in the crotch. But I'd forgotten how much smaller I was. And weaker. He didn't seem bothered; it turned him on, if anything. Next thing I knew, his head was on my breasts, moving around like a dog, actually licking me…I felt sick. He pulled my skirt all the way off, and my panties, all in a rush. By now I was crying. 'Please…please', I sobbed, but I knew it was useless. My hands were still tied impossibly tightly, and I felt horribly naked and exposed.

Finn reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom. That's when I knew it was real. Then I knew it was going to happen, for sure. He frowned at it. 'Shit. Forgotten how Miss Holliday told us to do this…', he said to himself. We sat awkwardly for a moment, and I tried to cross my legs. He was deeply engrossed in the tiny writing on the condom packet. It was silent, for the first time in about a half hour. I closed my eyes and listened to the gentle gusts of wind, the rustling of the leaves. I tried to imagine somewhere far away from here.

I was back at Jesse's place, and we were lying in bed, my head on his chest. I could smell him, and feel him under me. That was my heaven. And now it could never happen again. I didn't want to think about what would happen after Finn and I…after he raped me. Any number of things were possible, but I was distracted from considering these horrors by the low hum of a car nearby. I opened my eyes. Finn hadn't heard anything, and he was now stretching the condom with his hands. It would have been funny if the situation wasn't so hideous.

I glanced outside the window. I couldn't see a car, but it had definitely been close. Suddenly I heard a car door slam, and leaves crunching; someone was walking outside, nearby. I looked around, trying to see them – maybe I could ask for help. After a moment, I saw a distant figure walking closer. I took a deep breath. It had to be worth a shot. 'HELP! HELP! PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP ME!', I screamed. The condom shot out of Finn's hands in his shock. He lunged on top of me, covering my mouth with his hand. I screamed on regardless, but I knew my muffled yelps couldn't be heard outside the vehicle. I twisted my head around to see if the person had heard me, but Finn yanked me back around before I had the chance. I realised that I couldn't breathe.

'MMNNN! MNNNN!', I screeched desperately from under his hand. My chest tightened as the oxygen deprivation kicked in. For some reason, I suddenly remembered an occasion at the Lima Community Pool, aged nine. My dads had taken me swimming, and I got involved in a game with some older kids. They were taking it in turns to see who could stay under the longest. When it got to me, I took a comically large breath and sank under. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, but then it got harder. But I was determined not to lose. I don't know how long I was under for, but eventually, I started to crawl back up to the surface. But they pushed me down, and I realised they weren't so nice after all. I remembered the odd convulsions my body made as it fought for air, and then suddenly I felt strong arms around me. My dad had lifted me to safety and told the older kids to leave. But this time no-one was here to save me. my body started convulsing again, and my lungs became unbearably tight. The last thing I saw was Finn, fear in his eyes as he pressed his hand tighter, unaware that he was suffocating me. Then everything went black.

**What did you think? Did I take it too far? Review! I will update asap...although from which point of view is unclear...**


	13. Chapter 13

**_So here is the next chapter. It's a bit longer than the last one :) sorry for that cliffhanger last time! However considering that Rachel died I was hoping for a few more reviews than THREE. If I don't get more than 5 for this one then I won't update for a week. You'd better do it then... ;D_**

**Chapter 13**

My brain had been drifting between dreams and reality for a while now, so much so that I could no longer tell any difference. Were they even different? Both were confusing, frustrating…and everything was unclear. I wanted to be somewhere familiar, that made sense to me, not here. I was vaguely aware of lying on something warm and soft, and sometimes a harsh, chemical scent would be in the air. But where was I? Somewhere I didn't want to be. But I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't remember how to speak.

I didn't know why I was here at first. Little pieces of memory would flash through my brain, painting a few brush strokes of the picture. Falling over…crying until all the tears were gone…someone picking me up…a car – not mine…somewhere far, far away…and then nothing. I gave up trying to remember and focused on trying to say something, anything. Once I'd remembered where my lips were, I tried to open them, but they felt too heavy. After what could have been hours or minutes, shaking, I somehow opened them slightly. I could hear myself making a noise at the back of my throat, but I couldn't keep this up for long. It was too hard. I managed to whisper something – I didn't know what – and fell back into subconscious…or was it conscious? Who knows. Time passed. I barely noticed.

SOME TIME LATER

I could hear the low murmur of voices, but not enough to figure out what they were saying. I tried to open my eyes but my lids refused to obey me. It sounded like there were two voices…one was lower. Maybe a guy? I couldn't tell. About to give up like every other time, I heard something that made me stop. 'I just love her so much…I can't believe any of this', it said. Jesse. My Jesse. How could I ever forget? I loved him. I loved him. Jesse…Jesse…Jesse…

'JESSE!', I yelled, my lungs exploding. I realised my eyes were open as I saw him. He was staring at me in shock and delight. I threw myself at him, holding him, kissing him…these lips, these hands, this hair…Jesse. His hands moved over me too. Then something stirred inside me, a distant memory. Hands moving clumsily over my body as I lay tied up…I screamed and pushed him away. 'NO!', as I felt tears pricking my eyes. He sighed and nodded. 'I know. You need to get back into bed', he whispered. He didn't sound sad, exactly. But he wasn't happy either. I turned away from him. 'I was in bed?', I asked listlessly. I felt a sharp pain in my arms that I hadn't noticed before. They were covered in tubes, leading to drips beside a bed. Understanding dawned on me. I was in a hospital. I glanced down at the white gown that hung loosely on my slender frame, wondering who put it there. As I climbed carefully back into the bed, I noticed angry purple bruises on my wrists, and ugly welts. I sat up in the bed, and was silent for a long time. Jesse was looking at me, and I looked back at him. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and there was an overwhelming sense of worry that radiated from him. He looked like he'd lost weight, too, and not in a good way. He hadn't shaved and his hair didn't look like it had seen even a glimpse of product in weeks. He was still beautiful, though. I managed a tiny smile. His answering grin was dazzling.

'Hey', he said. 'Hey', I replied softly. There was a pause. 'I've missed you these days. I thought you might wake. It's been weeks', he told me. 'Sorry. I guess I've been kinda crazed', I joked cautiously. He smiled. 'It's fine. You look like a mess...', he grinned at me. I laughed softly. 'Thanks, I guess', I replied. Then I remembered. 'Are you clean?', I asked quietly. He nodded. I felt relief. Then the sense of awkwardness came back. 'I…there's something making this awkward. How did it start?', I asked. Jesse took a deep breath. 'When you jumped on me…you took it too far', he told me. 'Oh, I took it too far!', I mocked. He looked worried. 'Hey, hey…', he tried to get me to calm down. But I couldn't calm down. I'd had weeks without him. 'Jesse, don't! Don't do this to me! Are we over?', I asked, now in tears. His eyes widened. 'Don't say that we're over', he begged. I wiped my eyes. 'Don't you want us to be?', I asked him. Jesse shook his head and looked me in the eyes. 'No, I want who I knew. She's somewhere in you', he told me gently. I didn't know what to say to that, so I lay down and faced the wall. 'Goodbye, Jesse'.

NEXT DAY

At some point I'd fallen asleep. I woke up and remembered what had happened yesterday. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I didn't want us to be over. At that moment, the door opened and Jesse walked in, looking slightly better than yesterday. He was holding a paper bag with something that smelled good inside of it. I felt ravenous. He handed me the bag and I accepted it wordlessly. Upon opening it, I found a hot breakfast muffin from my favourite – and the only – vegan café in Lima. I ate it in silence, not caring when it burnt my mouth. I didn't know if it was good that we weren't talking. Finally, I crumpled up the bag and threw it towards the trash can. It missed my inches. I sighed in annoyance. Jesse chuckled. Then we looked at each other. 'Hey', I said. 'Hey', he responded. 'I'm sorry about yesterday', we both said at the same time. Then we proceeded to laugh at the same time, which made us laugh harder. We were silent for a moment. Then Jesse said 'Let me know you again', gently. Sadly, I turned him down. 'Not right now', not knowing what I was saying. I was basically giving him an open invitation to walk out the door. But he nodded. 'Ok, when? Say wait and I'll wait', he asked. 'It's already too late', I whispered. His voice got slightly louder. 'There's no way it's too late, there's no way. I stayed by your side', he told me desperately. 'Hey, hey! Will you listen? Just shut up, and listen!', I asked him, my voice rising in volume too. He sighed. 'Why do I get denied?', he said, more to himself than to me. 'You remind me of me. And how fucked up I can be', I explained, surprising both of us with my language. Jesse nodded. Then he took my hand and held it in his. 'Ok. Hey, let's start over; clean slate', he suggested. I smiled. 'You just don't give up', I said, tracing the lines on his palm with my other hand. He kissed my temple. 'So don't give up on me', he begged. I nodded. 'I have to tell you something', I said. He nodded. 'I'm all ears', he said.

'So, I talked to the nurse. It's been four weeks since I arrived here, and my mind is just a mess. And there's something to remember, but what? Well, it's anybody's guess. Cos the past is like the weather, it will come and it will go…I don't know, even know, what it is that I don't know…I don't know…Jesse, the things I don't know! I'm sure something's missing, I wish it would show…I don't know. You say take it slow,  
>And I do, although, how I do, I don't know!', I said all in a rush. 'Sshhh, sshh', Jesse murmured. 'It's ok', he said, kissing my hair. I leaned into him, but then I felt that awful feeling again from the other day…my legs being forced apart, my head pushed back…I cried out and shrank away from him. 'I'm sorry. I don't know why I just did that. It's just, every time someone tries to be intimate with me…I get this awful feeling and I keep imagining things…I don't know if they're real. There's this huge gap in my mind and I keep remembering random pieces of it…but I don't know – I don't know where the fucking pieces go!', I sobbed. Jesse nodded. 'I know. I know.', he told me. I shook my head angrily. 'You don't know! I know you don't know', I shouted and turned away. I felt a hand on my shoulder. 'I'll be here for you', he said softly. I couldn't face him. 'You say that right here. But then give it a year, or ten years, or a life – I could end up your wife! Sitting around never being with you, forgetting everything, freaking out whenever you touch me, running away when things go bad', I cried. Jesse stopped me, sitting beside me on the bed wrapping his arms tightly around me. I couldn't struggle, but I found I didn't want to, once I'd gotten over the initial dislike. He sang to me, something I didn't realise I'd missed until now. 'Perfect for you. I will be perfect for you. So you could go crazy, or I could go crazy, it's true', he told me. I laughed softly. 'Sometimes life is insane. But crazy I know I can do…cos crazy is perfect, and fucked up is perfect, so I will be perfect', he vowed to me. 'Perfect…', I sang back, liking the word. We sang the end together. 'Perfect for you', and then we kissed and I realised that I didn't feel sick at the intimacy anymore. I told him, 'When you're with me, everything else goes away'.<p>

LATER THAT DAY

Jesse had promised to tell me everything. Now I knew that Finn had abducted me and driven to a small forest on the outskirts of Pennsylvania. There, he'd attempted to rape me, until someone had pulled up nearby and heard me scream. Finn had accidentally suffocated me to death. But I came around after some resuscitation. My head had somehow got hit on the car window, giving me concussion. 'Then I got the call saying you were in the hospital, and you'd been dead for a few minutes. And it wasn't certain that you were going to make it. It was the worst moment of my life', he told me. I frowned. 'Wait…you didn't find me? Then who did?', I asked. 'I did', said a voice from the door. I turned around. My mouth dropped open in shock. She was the last person I expected to see. 'Santana?'

_**What did you think? REVIEWWWWW! Also, I hoped you liked the N2N references ;) please review because reviews are the Natalie to my Henry ;D**_


	14. Chapter 14

**_Ok, so last time I got my 5 that i requested...this time, i want 8 because SHIT GOES DOWN in this chapter. ok? i wont update for ages if i dont get my reviews...anyways enjoy! :)_**

**Chapter 14**

Santana stepped hesitantly towards me. 'How are you feeling?', she asked. I was surprised to hear warmth and caring in her voice, instead of the usual cold, bitchy tone. 'I'm ok, I think. You…you found me? How? Why? When?', I asked desperately. 'Ssh', Jesse murmured. 'Don't worry, I'll tell you everything', Santana said, coming to sit in the chair next to me. She took a deep breath and began.

'I heard a girl crying out in the hall, so I slipped out of history. I was worried it might be someone I knew. I saw you at the other end, near the lockers, but Finn got to you first. He didn't see me. I watched him pick you up, and you didn't protest. I knew you were with Jesse – Kurt told Blaine, Blaine told me – so I was surprised that you didn't make any attempt to struggle', she explained. 'God, I'm so sorry, I thought he was you at first, I swear', I told Jesse. He kissed my hair. 'It doesn't matter', he reassured me. Santana continued. 'Well, I followed behind you. I saw you get into his car, and that's when I realised there was something wrong, because you looked scared and tried to open the door, but he drove off. So I got into my car and tailed you, keeping a safe distance behind so he wouldn't see me. I got more and more nervous – we were driving for hours. I didn't know why or where he was taking you. Then he headed towards the woods near the PA border. I got really scared at that point. I had to abandon the car soon after – it would have been impossible to hide. I grabbed my phone, the pepper spray that my dad makes me carry around – finally found a use for it – and some handcuffs', she said. I stared questioningly at her. She blushed. 'I just…happened to have them in my bag', she mumbled. Jesse raised his eyebrow, grinning at her. 'Rock on, Lopez', he joked. She narrowed her eyes at him, but seemed grateful that he didn't want to push the topic. I frowned. 'Jesse? Santana? What…', I didn't know what I was asking. Jesse laughed. 'A private joke between Santana and myself. Continue, please', he said. Santana hurriedly carried on with her account.

'I walked really quietly, and finally saw the car in a small clearing. I hid behind a tree and watched what was happening. I saw him pin you down, trapping you. I was about to come and get you, when I saw him start playing with a condom', she said, unable to suppress a giggle. 'Sorry. It was just so funny. But I knew something seriously wrong was about to happen – I knew he'd bought you here to rape you. So I dialled 911 and told them where we were, read the pepper spray instructions, and that's when you screamed. I glanced back at the car. I saw his hand pressed over your mouth and I panicked. I knew I had to come and get you. I ran towards the car, just as your eyes closed over', she said. I nodded. 'Yes…I remember seeing a figure right before I…passed out', I remembered. 'Well, that was me. And Finn saw me too. I threw a few heavy logs at the car, breaking the window. That set of the alarm, so the police would find us quicker. I sprayed him right in the face, and whilst he was shouting in pain I handcuffed him to the seat. Then I dragged you out of the car, and frantically tried to revive you. I can't tell you how awful it is…seeing a dead body in front of you. But I knew I had to try. I couldn't see you die without any of your big dreams coming true. You breathed again, but then Finn managed to kick my head – we were right outside the car – and knocked me out. I didn't see anything else, but apparently the police accidentally dropped something on your head…sounds stupid, I know, and it gave you concussion. Rachel…they found a gun in the car. He was going to kill you', she whispered.

I felt numb. I didn't know what to think about that. I had nearly been murdered. I grabbed the dish on the table and threw up. Jesse rubbed my back soothingly. I burst into tears. He put the dish in the bin and held me as I cried. I was making awful noises; I just couldn't process it. 'Oh my…fuck…oh god, Jess', I cried, burying my head into his chest. Then I remembered Santana. 'I'm so sorry you had to do everything…oh god. I could have died', I said. She sat next to me and put her arm around me. 'But you didn't. Don't think about that asshole, think about how you're alive and he's in jail. Free to live your whole life, surrounded by people who love and accept you no matter what, able to do whatever you want, with the one person who loves you, will always love you, will never leave you, forever', she said all in a rush. I saw a tear flicker in her eye. 'I'm ok', she murmured. 'But I'm going to leave now. I'll come visit you tomorrow?', she asked. I nodded. 'I'd like that', I said, smiling. She smiled back and stood up. Jesse gave her a hug. 'Text me later', he said. She nodded. 'Santana?', I said. She turned around. 'Thank you', I said simply. She smiled. 'Anytime', and left.

ONE WEEK LATER

I'd finally been let home, but I wasn't going back to school for a while. Jesse stopped by every morning, and would do his glee work – sorting out music, which I happily helped with – and would leave in the afternoons to go to rehearsal. I didn't like it when he left, but he would only be gone for a couple of hours at the most. Besides, my parents were around. They were so happy to have me back home, and provided treats and comfort. Jesse had stayed clean throughout everything. He said that thinking I was dead had put everything into perspective, and he now took prescribed meds if he felt like he was heading towards depression. He didn't like taking them, though, and he was hoping to be able to stop needing them after a few more weeks. Santana came by after school most days, and we seemed to be forming a strong friendship. However, I always got the sense that she was hiding something from me, and if I mentioned it to Jesse he casually changed the subject.

One afternoon, I was feeling very tired, so I went to sleep for an hour or so before Jesse came by. I told my dads I would be sleeping, and went upstairs. A knock at the door woke me up. I crept out of my room and sat on the stairs, listening. 'Santana! How lovely to see you. But…shouldn't you be in school?', I heard my dad say. I frowned. Why had she cut class to come and see me? 'Oh, I had a free period last thing, so I thought I'd drop by', I heard her lie. 'Well that's very sweet but I'm afraid Rachel's asleep, sweetheart. You're welcome to wait', he said. 'Oh, well, I'm actually here to speak to you…and Leroy', I heard Santana say. My dad ushered her into the kitchen where my other dad was having coffee. I listened.

'I don't know how to say this, so here goes', Santana said. 'I'm a lesbian', she said, all in a rush. My mouth dropped open. 'Oh honey', I heard my dad, Leroy say. 'It's ok', he told her. 'Are we the first people you've told?', he asked her. 'No. Jesse knows. I told him when I was visiting Rachel in the hospital, whilst she was…out of it', Santana explained. 'He's been really great, really supportive. Rachel's lucky she has him', she said. 'But I didn't know what to do after telling him…and, well, I have a…a friend. She knows', she said. 'Who did you tell? Was she ok with it?', I heard my dad Hiram ask. 'I told a girl named Brittany. And she was more than ok with it, considering that we've been sleeping with each other for over a year now', she said candidly. I was totally stunned. Jesse knew about this, and didn't tell me. Santana was gay, and hadn't told me. She was sleeping with Brittany, clearly in secret. My head was reeling. More than anything, I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her it was all ok. 'Well, good for you!', I heard Hiram say encouragingly. 'Well, I came to see you because obviously you're both…and I was wondering how you guys came out to your parents and your friends and stuff. I can't do it', she said, and I heard my friend burst into tears. The anguished sobs echoed up the stairs. I didn't know what to do.

_**did you like it? REVIEWWWWWWWWWW please with anything, love, hate, suggestions...im all yours :) also PLEASE check out my story In The Lima Heights, its St Berry/St Fabray/Faberry, with Spring Awakening themes. **_


	15. Chapter 15

_**Well I wasn't happy with the slight lack of reviews for the last chapter. PLEASE can you review! Anyway enjoyyyy :D**_

**Chapter Fifteen**

THE NEXT DAY

'Rachel?', said a quiet voice from the door. 'Hey, San', I smiled at her. 'I…can I talk to you?', she asked. I nodded. 'Of course. What's up?', I asked, even though I knew what she was going to say. 'I just…I have to…oh god', she collapsed onto my bed, in tears. I was shocked – I'd never seen this side to Santana Lopez before. She lay for a minute, hiding her face in the pillow, crying. I hugged her, I stroked her back. She eventually sat up, and spoke, not meeting my eyes. 'I have to tell you something…but I can't, I just can't', she whispered. 'You'll hate me, Rach…everyone will hate me', she sobbed quietly. I gently tilted her chin up so that I could look her in the eye. 'Santana. I know what you're going to say. I know your secret. And I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're amazing', I told her fervently. Her eyes filled with tears and she embraced me. 'Really? You – you don't hate me?', she said, crying even more. 'San, come on. I have two gay dads. It would kind of be hypocritical, right?', I said, and we both laughed. 'So you still want to be friends?', Santana asked. 'What kind of a question is that? Yes, of course I do! And, as my friend, I want to know all about you and Brittany!', I said. She smiled, hugged me again, and told me everything.

After a little while, we were downstairs eating soy ice cream and watching Chicago. Jesse came in. 'Hey Rach', he said as he came in. 'And San, hey!', he greeted her. 'Sup, St James', said Santana. She bounded over and he spun her around before kissing her cheek. 'Hey, what about me?', I asked playfully. Jesse grinned and before I knew what was happening, his mouth was on mine and I forgot everything…until Santana piped up, 'um, you guys…I'm right here', she said awkwardly. I sheepishly ducked my head away from Jesse. 'Sorry Lopez', he apologised. She smiled. 'Just save it for where those of us who aren't so lucky can't see…it hurts like a bitch', she trailed off. Jesse slowly stood up. 'You need to tell Brittany how you feel. Please. I don't want to see you unhappy', he told her. I nodded. 'I agree', I said. 'It's not that easy…she won't be with me, like, for real, until I come out. And I can't do that! I just can't', she said. 'Well, you didn't think you could come out to me, and you did. And I don't care – you're Santana. Who you sleep with doesn't define you, not to me. It's who you are. Because you're pretty damn awesome', I told her, smiling. 'I second that', Jesse said. She laughed. 'Well, when you put it like that…but still. Maybe school won't be so bad, but my parents…they're catholic. My dad walks out of the room if there's someone gay on tv, and my mom always follows his lead. They won't like it', she said worriedly. Jesse put a hand on her shoulder. 'Go and tell them right now, before you change your mind. We'll be right here for you, he said reassuringly. Santana sat very still for a moment. Finally, she nodded slowly. She stood up and left the room without another word.

'Are you sure that was a good idea?', I asked Jesse. He nodded. 'I feel it's best that these things are out in the open. I told my parents the moment I knew – but I wasn't close to them, so I suppose it's not really the same. Telling my friends, and Shelby, that was more difficult. Showchoir was my family', he said, a little sadly. 'Although, not as difficult as telling you', he mumbled. I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply. 'I love you. No matter what', I promised him. He smiled. 'That's why I love you. No matter what', he said simply. He held me for a few silent moments, before I asked 'How did they react? Your parents, I mean', I asked hesitantly. He was silent for a few seconds. 'They didn't care. Not in the way that we don't care about Santana – they literally didn't care. Like, my dad began talking to me even less, and my mom just brushed it under the rug. They never talked to me about it. They don't generally care if I'm dating anyone, but I knew I could never introduce a boyfriend to them. As for Vocal Adrenaline, they were all really great. But then again, Carmel preaches acceptance unrelentingly. There's a GSA and a PFLAG and everything', he told me. I nodded. 'That's pretty cool. Kurt would die of happiness', I joked. He chuckled softly, and then we were quiet. 'She told me that she was a lesbian whilst we were in the hospital. She came every day to sit by your bed with me. I could tell something was eating her, and she finally told me. Then I told her that I was bisexual, and I told her about my struggles, my parents reactions, my drug problems, my relationships…I think she was quite grateful. I was the first person she'd told, aside from Brit', he explained. 'I couldn't tell you because she'd trusted me, and she wanted to tell you herself. Besides, it wasn't my story to tell', he told me. I nodded. 'Thank you for doing that. I really hope Santana's parents are taking it well. I mean, obviously they should…but the world can be a pretty awful place sometimes', I mused.

My dads arrived home, and Jesse and I chose an episode of Friends to watch with dinner. It was the one where Ross gets a spray tan, so it was bound to be good. We were all laughing along, when there was a knock at the door. 'I'll get it', I said, slowly disentangling myself from Jesse's arms. The knocking became louder, more insistent. 'Ok, ok!', I yelled. Finally, I got to the hall and pulled the door open. A bundle of sobbing Santana was curled up on the doorstep. There was a suitcase next to her, and an envelope clutched in her hand. 'They threw me out…they threw me out', she screamed. 'He put the money in the envelope and gave me ten minutes to get the hell out', she sobbed. 'Jess!', I yelled. He came running. 'Santana? Oh my god, are you ok?', he said, scooping her up into his arms and carrying her into the house. She kept her arms tight around his neck, like a little girl, and sobbed into his shirt. 'They said they hated me…they never want to see me again…what the fuck do I do?', she screamed. I didn't know what to do. Jesse slowly rocked her back and forth, making sounds of comfort, and kissing the top of her head. He wasn't managing to calm her down – Santana was still making great, heaving cries. 'What's going on?', asked my dad, Leroy, coming out of the lounge. I hurriedly scampered over to him. 'Santana came out to her mom and dad, and they threw her out', I whispered. 'Oh sweetheart', he said. 'Well done. Your parents will most likely be the hardest people you ever have to tell', he reassured her. Hiram stepped into the hall too, having heard everything. 'We will help', he promised, but I could see from the worried look he gave my dad that he wasn't sure how. Jesse saw too. 'There's another opening on this street . I'll buy it, and Santana can live there. Money isn't a problem. No arguments', he told the protesting girl in his arms. 'Thanks', she said quietly. 'For everything'

_**Yep, so, Jesse's sexuality was not just a random thing I threw in, it's there for a reason. Something will be happening next chapter...**_


	16. Chapter 16

**_So, I'm really sorry for not uploading sooner. My only excuse is writers block, lines to learn for a play and crazy amounts of schoolwork. Also, the fact that i only got TWO reviews last chapter wasnt very motivating. So id like 5 or 6 reviews please or i might not update for ages...anyways enjoy :)_**

**Chapter Sixteen**

ONE WEEK LATER

'You can do this, Rach', Jesse told me. 'I don't know that I can', I whispered. I looked out of the window at the school building in front of me. It was so familiar – I'd been here every day for the last three years – but the last time I was here, something terrible had happened. Something so terrible that I was now afraid to go there ever again. 'Look, Jesse, there's only a few more weeks till summer vacation. Can't I just start over in the fall?', I begged. He shook his head. 'If you don't do it now, it'll be hanging over you all summer. Why don't you just get it over with? I'll stay by your side the whole time, I promise', he said, kissing my temple. 'But everyone knows what happened…it'll be so embarrassing', I cringed at the thought. Jesse laughed. 'Wow, Rachel Berry is actually nervous…that's something I never thought I'd see. Look, you've put up with people saying shit about you and to your face for years. Besides, your glee club friends are the only ones who know the full story. They've done their best to make sure the rest of the school know very little', he reassured me. 'Really? That's pretty decent of them, I guess', I murmured. I took a deep breath. 'You're right, Jess. It's now or never', I said determinedly. I opened the door, swung my bag over my shoulder and began walking towards the doors before I could change my mind.

Jesse took my hand and I held it gratefully. My grip on his hand tightened as we got closer. As we walked inside, I could feel eyes on me. I could feel gazes sliding off me as people grew embarrassed for staring. I could hear the whispers. But this was nothing new to me. So I held my head high and kept walking, one foot in front of the other, holding on to my love. But then – 'Slut', said Azimio. I felt a tear threaten to fall, but suddenly Puck slammed him up against the lockers. 'You leave her the hell alone, jerk', he spat in Azimio's face. The bully shuffled off. I was too stunned to react, as Puck enveloped me in a tight hug. 'Good to have you back, my hot Jewish American princess', he said. I laughed. My worries had numbed slightly. 'Thanks. And thanks for…that', I said, gesturing in Azimio's direction. Puck shrugged. 'It's no problem. We all know what happened. We know that you're totally innocent. And we all got your back', he said, grinning. 'When you say 'we'…who do you mean?', I asked. 'He means us', said a voice behind me. I spun around, and saw Quinn Fabray smiling at me, with the whole glee club behind her. I was totally shocked. Quinn Fabray? Really? For the second time in just a few minutes, I was lost for words. Jesse came to my rescue. 'I know Rachel is grateful. She's just had a lot to deal with and this is all very overwhelming', he said, putting his arm around me as he spoke. I nodded quickly. 'Yes, what he said', I mumbled. They all laughed. 'Wow, Rachel Berry lost for words. I'm gonna enjoy this while I can', joked Kurt. We all laughed, and headed to class. Jesse's arm was around me, Quinn was on my other side, and all my friends were behind. I didn't know why I'd been so scared.

'Wait, where's Santana?', I said, glancing back at the group. 'She said she wasn't feeling that well', said Mercedes. I glanced at Jesse, confused. He shrugged at me. I was a little upset. We'd had a deal – I was going to come back, and she was going to come out. We would both be there for each other. But she'd bailed.

IN THE CHOIROOM, AFTER SCHOOL

'So, what's been going on in glee?', I asked Quinn. 'Well, after everything with you and…um', she trailed off. 'It's ok. You can say the jerk's name', I said. 'Sorry. I knew he was a bit of an oaf, but I didn't think he'd do something like that…I still can't believe I ever dated him', she shuddered. 'Same here', I told her. We laughed. 'Anyway. After that went down, we were all a bit lost. Mr Schue was implicated because you and Finn was supposed to be in his Spanish class at the time, and he didn't investigate your absences…so he's been suspended from teaching until next semester, possibly longer', she told me. 'Thank god we had Jesse. He's done more with us in the past month than Mr Schue did with us for two years, but he's not pushing us too hard or anything. We thought he'd go all Vocal Adrenaline-crazy on us, but he hasn't. I honestly think we're ready for Nationals, once we figure out what you're doing, of course', she told me. 'Oh no, it wouldn't be fair for me to just come back and take lead vocals on everything. I just want to take a back seat for this one', I told her. 'But…who's been singing lead without me and Finn here?', I asked. 'Well, without Mr Schue always his favourite little prodigy – Finn – Jesse's really helped Puck develop his performing. He's better than Finn could ever hope to be. Santana does the duets with him, Mercedes generally sticks to solos and improvising at the end of songs, and Sam sings the occasional song. Jesse even gave me and Artie a little duet bit in a song last week. It was great', she said, a grin slowly spreading across her face. I'd totally forgotten about her and Artie. 'What's going on with you two?', I asked. 'We, um…well we slept together at the weekend', she said. 'And how do you feel about that?', I asked her. 'Well. He didn't pressure me into anything, which was really great. It's funny. After what happened last year, with the baby and everything, I was adamant that I would wait for a very long time. But Artie was quite willing to wait…and that's why I didn't want to. You know, I think I love him. I don't regret it', she said. 'That's exactly how I feel about Jesse', I agreed. Her eyes widened. 'So you two have…', 'No. Not yet. But we will, I'm certain. We've done…stuff', I murmured. 'I see', she laughed. 'But where's Artie today?', I asked her. 'Oh, his cousin is sick. He and his mom had to drive out to visit. I think he'll be back in a couple days', she said. I nodded. Then Jesse came in.

'Hey guys', he greeted them. Everyone stopped their conversations. 'So. Miss Rachel Berry, the glee club have prepared a little something for you…enjoy', he said. Quinn smiled and got up, along with the rest of the club. They all sang songs from my favourite shows, finishing with Seasons of Love. I found I had tears in my eyes by the end. 'I love you guys…thank you. It means so much that you're all here for me. I love you all so much!', I sobbed, but they were happy tears. We finished with a group hug.

THAT EVENING

My dads were out of town, so Jesse came back to my place. He cooked me a delicious meal, we watched Yentl, and then headed up to my room. After a few seconds, he crushed his lips to mine. I returned the kiss eagerly. I was having no problems with intimacy anymore. Before long we were on my bed, Jesse beneath me. I ran my hands over his smooth chest, as his gently massaged my upper leg. Generally he stopped at my thigh unless I allowed him to go further. Tonight, I did. 'Jesse…I'm ready'

_**CLIFFHANGER! Also, sorry, i know i said something to do with jesse's sexuality was gonna come up this chapter but i kinda got distracted when i was writing rachels convo with quinn. dont worry, santana will be back soon, and someone from jesses past is coming back...i'll leave you to ponder that. **_

_**REVIEW! **_


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